Sore Feet

apologies and forgiveness dont make fighting okay anymore

it ticks something off in me.

like im dragging myself all the way back to there

and i dont want to go back there

and when she talks to me . like

          that 

i dont want to think about it anymore

i used to hide under the covers to stop thinking about the things in my room

and the fear grew and engulfed more of me

now im taller

i just stare above and think about how

forced ignorance wont give me bliss like i wish it would

i want my palms to meet my ears

and my pupils my eyelids

i want to forget that

   it

happened

you being a little bit cross

but i cant avoid things anymore,

i know that much

and im tired

ive been running for a long time

i was running when i was young and scared

i was running when my hair hit the ground

i was running from the idea of a hand on me

i ran when i needed to talk to you

and when i wanted someone to know me

i ran here when i couldn't be there anymore

i want to run from you

i want to run the same way i did and ive done

i feel the want in me

to leave. and forget. ignore you, ignore myself

youre just my mom

and it was just a bad moment

so why does it hurt

and hurt. and hurt and hurt and hurt

and why does it hurt more when i wonder

how long until ill be okay with arguing

how long until you can yell at me without it reminding me of all the pain i drag behind me

i really would love a deadline

for recovery, or the end

a finishing line

something to run towards

not away from