Sorry for being me

You say you’ll always be there

Listen to me

As if you really care

So many things flow through my head

I can never bring myself to go to bed

The thoughts and feelings

Expel from my breath

As a light comes forth

And lulls me away

The times you laughed

Helped me heal

My life and soul

Forever intertwined with yours

We are as one

That can never be

I am a poison

A disease that cannot be fought

No antibiotics

No cure

Not a single resource

Can help you now

I am coming in

Into your mind

Into your heart

Into your life

You tear me down

You bring me up

You leave me

I leave you

In the dark

Forever

We can never be

Why can’t you hear me?

I scream and shout

But nothing comes out

I cry

I rip

I break

I pierce

Into my own flesh

And wait as the pain drains out

I want to punish myself for the things I say

What I feel

What I do

To you

I want to apologize

For being me

That I cannot be good enough

For you

For him

For anyone

I am a disappointment

And I reek of cigarettes

And sadness

If only I could kill the sadness within me

Drown my emotions in your essence

Bring forth

Whatever it was

That you ever saw in me.

I am not her

And for that

I am sorry.