Sorry Enough

I’m Sorry.

A cold morning.

Winter breeze. 

Ice for a windshield.

A shiver.

Things you can feel.

Love.

A smile.

A warm touch.

An undisturbed sleep.

Love.

Things I can not.

The reasoning is unknown.

The whereabouts of these feelings are unknown.

And even if they are found,

I’m afraid it will have been too long for me to remember how to use them.

It started with a cold morning,

A winter breeze.

Ice covering the windshield.

My body trembling.

I felt all of it.

But,

Whatever it was,

The touch of your hand on my skin was nothing but numb, empty.

I had no room to breathe.

Nothing but polluted air.

Basically suffocating.

I tried to tell you,

But you needed a stronger piece of me.

You needed the piece of me I couldn’t reach.

For that,

I’m so so sorry.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t overcome the weight of this monster that lives inside of me

You deserved more.

Deserved.

You deserved more even when you left when you said you wouldn’t.

Your words screamed desperation.

For with my departure you would not be able to go outside.

I wanted to be your shelter.

Your umbrella.

Your shield.

From the natural disasters,

From the cold rain drops,

From your pain.

At first,

You screamed in desperation,

In fear,

Begging me not to go,

For we could be okay.

The second you knew I was away,

Your screams died.

Your voice silenced.

Your love asked for a refund.

And still,

You deserved the world when I regained my strength. 

When I told you I wanted to come back.

You waited for me.

I rushed in.

Oblivious to what you were missing.

You and I were missing two different things.

I was missing my person.

You were missing your shelter to protect you from life’s disasters. 

Your umbrella from the rain.

Your shield from the pain.

Again,

I can’t apologize enough.

I became too weak to be that strong for you.

And we found that again once you left home.

You will never read, or hear this.

But I’ve been meaning to write these feelings out for a long time.

I’m not entirely sure if I say these things to protect myself from my flaws, or if you really did leave because I was too weak.

I never wanted to leave you for good.

I just needed to breathe.

I can’t apologize enough.

For making you feel like I didn’t want you anymore. 

To be honest,

I just wanted you to see that I was broken.

I was in the midst of losing everything, every piece of what I once was.

The person you missed.

I CAN’T apologize enough.

But,

I told you that night that I wanted to die.

In words only my mind could piece together to make reasonable.

I told you that I was unhappy with my life.

I told you everything that was happening.

What did you feel?

Was it discomfort?

Fear?

Annoyance?

Anything?

The way you replied was a sense of helplessness. 

Like you couldn’t do anything.

I was calling for help and it was like you knew I was, and you let it ring.

I can’t apologize enough. 

It’s been nearly five months now.

We both have gone our separate ways.

Yet I still can’t breathe without tasting a piece of you on my tongue.

I can’t close my eyes without getting glimpses of your face.

I can’t listen to a song without hearing your voice. 

I’m missing my person.

And no one in this world can fully understand what that means.

But you,

For you,

A person like me is everywhere.

Or in specifics,

Shelter in a random building.

An umbrella in your local discount store.

A shield in anyone who tells you you’re beautiful.

I can’t, 

I really can’t apologize enough.

But,

I’m sorry that I let you down.

And through the constant shade, the constant degrading of who I was, who I am, and the relentless attempts to draw attention to yourself,

I will never stop being sorry.

Yeah,

I can feel the cold breeze.

I can see the ice on the windshield.

The shiver down my spine.

Will I ever put on a jacket?

Will I ever make it to where I can see?

Will I ever realize that shiver of fear down my spine isn’t real?

Maybe.

And maybe someday,

I can feel the things like,

Love.

A smile.

A warm touch.

An undisturbed sleep.

Love.

Maybe.

Will I ever be able to trust again?

Will I ever be able to smile without thinking about what it feels like when I’m alone?

Will I ever allow a warm touch without thinking of you?

Will I ever be able to stitch my demons’ mouths shut?

Will I ever be able to love again?

Maybe.

Those are things that I can figure out with time.

Feel, with time.

The question is,

Will I ever be able to forgive myself?

Will I ever be sorry enough?