From a soul

I do not know if I am me. Who am I if not myself but what is myself if I have never been? How do I know who I am when I am not myself? What even is myself? We build ourselves off of others, nothing is original. No one is special except for those who are and they are not me. But neither am I me. How do you decide who you are when there is no one like you and everyone is you? How do you stand if there’s nothing to stand on? What is confidence except for blind doubt and insecurities? What I say, is it mine or theirs? Who am i, am I me or them? Have I made any choices or are they all molded by others? What is my conscience? I don’t have one, I think. There’s too many voices, too many choices, all fighting and shouting, talking and convincing. What is right, what is wrong? Isn’t it all subjective? Who decides? What do I choose? It’s all the same. I’m selfish if it’s me, weak if it’s them. Neither brings happiness, both fear and sorrow. And no one sees. No one knows. It’s too much to explain anyway. And there’s still that one reason that keeps me here, because they deserve a better life. I can’t ruin anyone else. I’ve brought enough damage. Not really my fault but also completely. I hate this deception, this lie of a life. But I can’t choose the worth, can’t balance the scale. What is a life? Is it me? Am I me? Or am I theirs? The gap is too wide, I could jump but not land. Fear would keep me crippled there. Guilt. Who can I trust? Not even myself. The days just get longer, it’s harder to fight. I’m always afraid now of what I do. What if I slip up and they find out? What if it’s my fault? What if I lose them? I feel like monotony. I don’t know what I feel. Who am I for whom? What lies do I keep? Remember your stories. Which one is the truth? I don’t even know. I can’t decide. To leave and cry or stay and cry. Neither is good. One is without stress but without love. The other is with love but a constant overwhelming fear of certain and definite discovery. And then what? How can I make choices when neither is a choice? What if I pretend myself into losing myself? Are they even my thoughts? Are they even my words? No one believes without physical proof. Guilt is their weapon, belittlement their strength. Convincing to love but is it love? Do I love? I don’t know. I can’t tell the difference, the line is so thin. Truth is subjective to the point of uncertainty. No, beyond that. No one knows. How do I speak on this weight? It crushes me but strangely relieving and yet my source of paranoia. I’m afraid. I’m tired of fighting. The door is so far. And the key is melted, useless. Never free. I try and I lose. Every time. Those who know me are forbidden to me. But who actually knows me? I don’t know myself. Lies are a drug except I didn’t choose. Forced to lie because my truth is a lie. Sealing my fate of false emotion. No one will ever believe me. Those that do are few. And they are lost to me. I write things no one will read, that no one will understand. There’s nothing like sitting in a room full of people You’ve known for years but who don’t know your name You listen and laugh and learn who they are But you’re not worth their time of day And you don’t know why because you’ve tried They just don’t care Who they think I am is not who I am Am I invisible Until they need me Which is rarely if ever and even then I pass before their eyes like mist in a cloud What am I worth if no one remembers What have I done if it is unknown How could they understand what I’ve seen They laugh about things they’ve never felt I fight each day for life I fight to breathe To be proud of myself But it means nothing Nothing to my name No one knows I’m in this room Who is right, what is wrong Does anyone believe I can do anything Has anyone let me prove anything I’m fine but I’m not How would they know It’s just another poem no one will read There’s no one here At least not for me What is existence Even imagination thinks it’s real We could just blink away This could be a dream Is anything as real as it seems How do we know We don’t We live as if we do but are they our lives? Is it a life if it’s not our choices? What is life Who decides the standards? Why compete if it amounts to nothing Watching your goals fade away You’re old now The world replaces your dreams with Everyday drudge and useless work Nothing spectacular because you’ve expired They say stay young but take our youth Fulfill your dreams young but we’re too young Our chances are gone We’ve passed the date As others take our dreams away and Make them theirs You stand by and watch Unwilling regret You never chose to miss your chance Useless and forgotten Life leaves you behind Anger building, hands shaking Heart beating, legs longing To stand and run far away To scream and let the birds fly To release the weight upon your shoulders And breathe in peace for once in your life Hope is a little bird In a cage of bone Restricted by reality Afraid to loose its song As you get older the cage gets smaller And there’s no room to fly or breathe Until the tiny beating heart Is crushed because it is not free The cage is empty A dead weight in your chest You miss the birds song But death can not resurrect itself What do I do What do I choose There is a life of choices I’ve never made Afraid to choose wrong No experience to guide me Now is when it counts and I’ve never learned I’ve built a life to get me through this But am I limiting myself too much Am I more Am I less Am I right Am I wrong I could not live having disappointed myself There’s too much pressure, too much weight Decisions are suffocating my mind I want to go there But what if I’m not Why do I want it Are reasons wrong They’re like emotions Everything’s subjective I want a change that life can’t give me Can I find it there No it would be useless But what if it’s not Would they listen to me Would they finally care What would I say if I had only one day You never saw me, you never cared You never bothered to try and help me My walls are strong but I could bend If only you cared You didn’t know my name so how could you know me You judged me with blind eyes You who have it so easy There are those who have it worse than me, I know But no one should be alone You left me alone How else was I to handle my lot You don’t understand and it’s too late to explain Too much has happened I know what you do I know what you say You take pictures of me when you think I don’t know You talk about me online I’m not stupid, I know how life goes Maybe I’m too much for you to handle The fact that life is reality, you couldn’t support me But I warn you of this You will lose someone someday and not know why You’ll be upset, maybe pretend to cry But you never knew them You never tried You have no right to say goodbye if you never said hello When things get hard you don’t leave You stay Life is that way Not everyone has it as perfect as you But we don’t validate anymore We blame and excuse I’ve been there I’ve seen the dark Yes, the same dark you all laugh and joke about The same dark that you entertain The same dark that you can’t imagine as reality Well it is And we can’t fix it I wouldn’t be who I am without it But I nearly stopped who I am I almost chose to stop Because I was alone Because I was laughed at Because from the start I wasn’t enough for you You’ll never know that until it happens And I hope you have regret and guilt Because that is the only thing that will wake you up You can’t miss someone you never knew Yes I am angry Because I have to tell you what you should already know We’ve lost who we are You’ve so lost my trust that I dont even know if you’ll listen to this I don’t even know if you hear me now Promise you’ll care for him when I have to leave I know you won’t love me but give him the love he deserves He was supposed to be your son anyway, not mine And it’s my life, not yours I’ve tried to be perfect for you Day in and day out I’m tired of fighting I’ve pushed myself over the edge School means nothing anyway Just a standard of society set for self accolation Never achieved except by those who are favored Don’t tell me what to write Don’t tell me that my writing is poor I’ve done the best I can with what I’ve been given I’m not writing to please you I’m not living to please you Just leave me alone and let me be Did you ever think maybe there’s a reason I’m this way? That I am barely involved? That I’m alone? I cry myself to sleep and when I can’t, the silence is the world’s weight The fear of laying there in bed, waiting to be discovered for something you didn’t do Or that you did but was wrong to them I’m trying to conquer my world Stop trying to conquer me You don’t know me It was easier living in screams and fights Late nights of lectures and proof of your faults Where you could see the hate drip from their words Actively punishing Pursuing Now it’s silence Hiding myself They don’t even know I’m worse than I was But how do you say their the problem There’s no proof It’s been years upon years Of fighting Constantly And still no one sees Are they talking about me? Judging me? I wish I could change the world Change the misconceptions and judgements To speak truth and banish fear The silence is condemning I’m an actress, they’ve told me that It’s an insult, didn’t you know? I never asked for this Suffering is supposed to be for the better How? I’ve been told but it makes no sense They have not been where I am Those who have, I’m tired of their words I’m tired of being told things will be better They used to be comforting but no longer They only make the feeling worse And they’re trying but it doesn’t account to much I don’t understand why I can’t receive comfort from them Why does it cause more pain than relief I’m writing this for then When I can look you in the eye and tell you these things Of the scars I have The memories I’ll never forget The life I have to live Of fear You could say I’m stronger now, yes, to ease your guilt I’m still broken but I’m not the only one There is someone who needs you to be strong for them Learn to love For real this time Sacrifice, giving of yourself when there’s nothing to give Pushing when they don’t want to be pushed That’s what love is Putting someone else before yourself knowing you could lose them at any time Expecting nothing in return Giving yourself up to keep them safe Let no one be unloved