Spiraling

I'm sorry that I can't decide but it's so much easier to hide behind the walls I continue to build and all the relationships I have killed but pretend that they just fell apart when the real problem is in my heart which is breaking to become whole my secret heart, my very soul kept safely inside, locked away because how could I display the part of me I no longer know yet it somehow always seems to show its terrible blackened face yet again in every place that I can think to hold dear that I tried to keep near so I end up causing pain in an effort to keep myself sane insane thoughts spin through my head which is still lost inside the books I've read with the made-up people and their made-up names whose problems are and aren't the same as mine at the end of the day the difference is I'm not okay right now because I don't understand what it is, this great demand being made of me to be complete to fight, never stopping, to defeat the presiding demons of my mind so pardon my not being kind when I can't figure out how to be the only one in control of me.