stages of grief

Denial is the first stage of grief 

So here I am, mourning myself on a Tuesday afternoon 

The fan above me spins round and round and round 

I am freezing I’m always freezing 

Yet, I stay seated on my floor, my stability too far gone to flip the switch 

Through glazed over eyes, I watch the fan 

Round and round and round 

If no one ever called my name, I think I could stay there forever. 

Enter, the second stage 

Everyone makes me scream 

Everyone makes me cry 

I get told no, and my composure falls apart, spitting out venomous insults and lies 

It’s not a lie if I believe it even when I’m myself 

Tilted apologies fall from my chapped, trembling lips 

I do not know who I am. 

The third stage comes in 

Head tilted up to the Heavens, I make a silent plea 

There is terror in my shaking body, feet freezing on the wooden floors 

I don’t think I will ever be warm again 

I ask for forgiveness, for sins unknown 

All I want is to have myself back 

I am so tired of being half-dead. 

The fourth stage, we’re nearing the end 

I am curled under the blankets, I am holding my hair in my hands 

My work sits unfinished 

My words go unspoken 

Numbness begins to overpower my tongue 

And I have not felt anything touch my tongue in so long 

I open my wide eyes, sigh softly, and try to rise to my feet. 

The fifth stage comes 

I feel my feet touch the ground, and my ankles hurt from how much I have run 

I think I will start to slow down 

Soon, I may try to slow down and breathe 

In and out, a broken headstone stares back at me 

I am trying to breathe but I am still dying- 

In and out, and there may be more life left in me.