Standing in the Present but Living in the Past

I don’t understand

How could it be?

That I stand in the present

But live in the past

Crashed on this alienated planet

Population of me

Every asset of mine is criticized

I must be a demon

To have such dark eyes

Or hair I’m too ashamed to show

Demonic horns must hide beneath my hair

Yes my skin is rough

It’s made that way

For bastards like you

Who can’t seem to see

That it stands as a shield

To keep my soft heart hid away

You all must be the enemy

I see now that I’m an alien

In my own community

Ha-ha yes she’s crazy they say

I laugh along

As if…

As if those words

Are not breaking my very being

Into small twinkling shards of tears

I will never give you the satisfaction of seeing

I’ll laugh, joke, rage, kid, and jump

As long as you don’t see

This front I put up to cover me

I’m not crazy damnit

I’m nothing of the sort

Look me in my eyes

And tell me you don’t see this little girl I hide

Laugh at my jokes

And be oblivious to how the

Crackling fire in my heart

Dwindle down until it goes out

But no

I’ll jump and scream and shout and laugh and dance

So no one will see what a hollow shell

I really am

Cold hearted, ha!

Far from it

I have the biggest heart of all

But I cannot show it

For it will be trampled to the ground

Of deception and false acts

You’re ugly, a disappointment, crazy, cold hearted

 No!

I’m not

I’m a mouse hiding behind a lion’s roar

If I protect everyone else

Then who will protect me

From the top of my head

To the bottom of my feet

Is the façade of a strong girl

But if you look closer

Do you even bother to see

The pain and sorrow in her eyes

Ready to take flight

I guess I’ve become a phony

Anything to fit in right?

Small always suit me you see

I was never Deedee

No she’s a made up character

But you all seem to like her

Better than the real me

So why the hell not

Papa always told me

I could be anything I wanted to be

So why couldn’t I be someone

Other than me

Papa was a rolling stone

But when I needed him the most

He was gone

Let us not forget karma

Karma is a bitch and fate

Is her mistress

Not only did they send me a boy

Who didn’t know how to love me

But they turned around

Sent me a guy who loves me deeply

But I’m too afraid of hurting

For you see

I love hard to fall hard

Does that make me crazy?

I don’t think so

But you would know

Cause you’re the one who put me here

I don’t know who I am

I am light I am dark

I’m a wandering soul without a home

I cannot see

A clear future for me

All I see is someone

I guess you all

Assume I’ll be

Trust issues are an understatement for me

For you see I am naïve

I wanted to believe in a perfect we

But I guess I messed up huh?

We were never meant to be

Life

It was worth nothing

Don’t mind

The nights I cried myself to sleep

Don’t mind

The lust I saw in my dad’s eyes

As in my ear he spoke

Nothings so sweet

Don’t mind

This alienated feeling

Of being around friends

Who probably don’t know the real me

Don’t mind

The times I can imagine

My lifeless body hanging

Above the floor below my feet

Feel no pity

For I am a pawn

And not the queen

I am an outcast

With a dark past

Living through a lifespan

I want to outlast

Cause I’m standing in the present

But live in the past