a state of disassociation (explained by a sleepy person)

wow, it's been far too long since i got on this site.

im posting this not because it is a poem, but because it is poetic.

im sure anyone who sleeps less than they should is at least familiar with some of this stuff.  when you're tired, everything comes to you at once.  you seem to be in a vurnerable state to become hollowed out.

earlier tonight, precisely an hour and a half ago, my brain slipped into a sort of disconnected state.

a half-hour later, i started to write.

...............

it's a sort of feeling of being asleep while still being awake.

it's kind of an out-of-this-world experience for me, being a person who doesn't know much.

every touch feels off, and you're very hypersensitive-

your eyes are all droopy and your brain is all fuzzy.

everything you hear normally feels like deja-vu or a dream or something.

when you have headphones in, it feels like a soundtrack to your life, or some sort of controller to your brain, controlling every picture that goes through your brain and every movement naturally caused by wind or air conditioning, it all seems to fit with it. your hair in your face, the fan itself.

your sense of time is completely gone, and you seem to lose touch with the true reality.

it's not like you're seeing things that aren't there, or feel like you're somewhere else.

it's the place you're in itself that feels like it's been changed. it's like you're looking at it from an entirely new perspective.

your emotions are fuzzy, your muscles feel weak and tense somehow, your blinking is slow.

if you pinch yourself it doesn't hurt as bad, pain and pleasure are gone, everything is just simply touch. that's all it is.

you can have elaborate pictures and scenarios created in your head that are as vivid as a dream, and nearly as random. 

it's sort of like, for one fraction of a second, you're the only person in the world that exists. one 10 hour time gap, passed by as quickly as twenty minutes.

you aren't processing time correctly, so everything seems to move by so fast. i swear it was midnight 5 minutes ago, but somehow it's 5:14 am now. (now, it's 5:54.)

you're infatuated with what isn't real, and everything real is now not, in a way.

it's like a muffler has been placed over you completely, muting your thoughts, senses, and perspective in a way that reverts it to its first existing phase. you see shapes and light and dark. you feel touch, but that's all you process it as, your thoughts are limited to images and scenarios, and you barely think at all.

it's like you fell asleep, but you're still awake, and yet everything still feels like a weird dream to you.

your life feels like one big story, one big dream that you've somehow made through.

it's the type of dream that you can't explain, but it gives you this weird feeling. it's like a dream that makes you feel like, yes, you are just another human,

and yes, you are living on a ball made out of random matter in the middle of the vast universe, and yet, you're somehow here?

one you wake up from and just feel grateful to have had. i know that once i wake up from this life dream, ill be gone- like an old dream you can't remember. but, somehow, i happened. this dream happened, and it may not be eventful or special or meaningful in any way, but it's mine.

i was somehow born into this body, on this earth, which makes me wonder where i was before that- because i wasn't. i just wasn't.

this dream state represents my whole life. one huge dream state, one that goes by far too quickly, and i will wake up from.

i'm just a pile of flesh and bones, experiencing time too fast. somehow, i am. i'm conscious. i'm here. you're here- and you are thinking and reading and existing, from your perspective, and no one will ever feel how it feels to be you. how miraculous is that? you exist.

how did i get here? how did i become me, and how can i know that i am not just a consciousness with a shell? im just me, and i couldn't be anyone else,

im just a child that was born from another child of a child of a child.

so how do we exist? just the fact is that the conscious mind in there just exists. imagining how you got to be conscious is mind-boggling and so hard to grasp. how is the person in there you?

you just feel disconnected, you came out of the loop.

the point is, everything feels so isolated, from everyone else and society.

you just exist for a moment, that's all there is. no drama, no nothing, no bad feelings or worries.

you're just suspended in time, drifting for a moment in a state of mind that is barely existent.

you disappear when you sleep. when you don't dream, your conscious mind feels vacant.

you stop existing for a moment in time.

everyone else stops existing to you for a moment in time.

you're just there.