The State of Tired

I am tired. I am tired of being afraid. Tired of cowering. Or hiding. Or pretending I don't feel the weight of the stare. I am tired of digging nails into my flesh to remind myself I feel, I've always felt- But pain is a good reminder. Itching to bleed hurts but it's not truly self-harm. At least I tell myself. I am tired of lying within my soul. Tired of jumping at each brush of a finger, Each hand on my back. I am tired of not trusting those I love to handle me. I am just fragile enough to convince people I am strong. Another lie turned external. Tired. I am living in the state of tired. Fear is not natural and yet becomes my constant. I cannot eat. Sleep. Breathe. Don't touch me. Don't. I can't. I am tired of being unable to love. Tired of trying to. I am tired, and it reaches to my core.