Stationery

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 10:59 -- shalynt

Location

There's so much potential in a box of envelopes 
So much power in monogrammed paper and a ballpoint pen 
They're worth so much more than $13.99 at Office Depot in the end 
I would be elated to receive a box of envelopes, monogrammed paper and a ballpoint pen 
When I'm old and rugged and can barely bring myself to lift myself from the chair and/or bed in which I lie 
What difference does it make that I had the newest phone or high waisted shorts? 
In 30 years those things won't be so new anymore 
Those goddamn shorts will be squeezing me like a ham wrapped in twine 
But a letter crafted from a box of envelopes, monogrammed paper, and a ballpoint pen will lie at the bottom of a box in the back of the lowest shelf in the dusty closet cloaked by a pile of coats, books and lonely socks 
A letter will be found and read once, twice, thrice until a smile erupts upon the readers face or tears stream down for hours until they find themselves sitting on the dusty carpet wondering what went wrong 
All I ask you to give me is a box of envelopes, monogrammed paper and a ballpoint pen 
Give me a box of envelopes, monogrammed paper and a ballpoint pen so I can lay on my bed with my feet up in the air blasting music from last summer's car ride to the concert and write 
Dear best friend, 
We've lost our virginity to the major fucking that is the real world together 
Never have I been so comfortable looking into someone's eyes while they are glossed over like marbles with tears because we shared them 
I'm so proud to see you content with how your life turned out 
Even if I received a Grammy it wouldn't be as high of an honor as it is to have been there by your side through every last poisoned apple that life handed you 
Thank you for holding me as I trembled hysterically over every time I missed my mother, every time my father passed out on my kitchen floor, every time someone snapped one of the strings of my heart yet again and every time I found myself sitting in the bathtub with the water running too long emptying my pathetic bullshit sorrows into it 
I love you 
Give me a box of envelopes, monogrammed paper and a ballpoint pen so I can sit next to the crumbling tree filled with red ants in the cemetery around the corner from my house and write 
Dear father, 
Daddy issues is an overused term in our society today but goddamn do I have them 
Not the kind where I lay my affections in the hand of any willing man that crosses my path but the kind that leaves you sitting on the floor in your closet wondering why some poisonous chick named Heroin was always the one he spent time with instead of you 
When I was young you were pretty good at teaching me about the old records you used to listen to in your bedroom that was so similar to mine and taking me to the mall to get new sneakers every Saturday 
As I got older I realized you were way better at falling asleep standing up in the middle of a conversation, leaving the sink water running for hours on end while having blood drip down your forehead from the spot where you slammed it against the bathroom door and shit, you got really good at lying 
Alas, I still love you, I just never want to be you 
Give me a box of envelopes, monogrammed paper and a ballpoint pen so I can sit cross legged on the floor of my aunts guest bedroom with old pictures in my hand and write 
Dear mother, 
Grandma used to send me Nancy Drew books in the mail every Christmas and my birthday but you have always been my favorite mystery novel 
Maybe she sent me those because she didn't want me to have to read about the mystery that she wrote herself and that was you 
Every summer I come out here is like a new chapter in this investigation and like most mysteries, the protagonist quickly becomes the number one suspect 
The evidence piles up and the reader begins to realize that there was a reason that that character was so conveniently placed throughout the plot at just the right time 
I don't resent you for anything 
You made the story interesting 
Give me a box of envelopes, monogrammed paper and a ballpoint pen so I can stand outside the gate to that old school that I used to walk through every day at 2:35 and write 
Dear ex lover #1
13 year old girls are naive creatures 
They won't question why you won't tell any of your friends about her and they will willingly kiss you exactly 40 steps behind that tree by the empty pool on the side of the school behind that big stone wall where nobody can see 
They won't question why you buy pizza for them when you know you're not surrounded by hundreds of other kids but you'll buy her best friend pizza and throw a little hair flip and a smile in there for the whole school to see while you're at it 
I guess I should've known when you threw Jell-O in my hair in Spanish class and the only thing you've ever thrown at her were roses 
I had gotten used to being the ugly girl and after you I was not only the ugly girl but I was a stepping stone to the pretty one 
But I'm not 13 anymore and 
I've made pretty good friends with Karma and she doesn't find you attractive enough to choose you over me anyway 
Give me a box of envelopes, monogrammed paper and a ballpoint pen so I can sit with my knees up on a 50 mile train ride home with my headphones jammed in my ears blasting so loud that I can't hear the conductor's bad humor over the loudspeaker and write 
Dear ex lover #2, 
I tried to teach you how to play guitar but you were already pretty good at playing the strings of my heart 
I always thought of virginity as a ridiculous social contract designed to shame girls and create a popularity contest for guys but after I signed mine over to you it felt like so much more 
You weren't worthy of my name on that dotted line or my lip prints and nail scratches on your back but some things you just can't change 
You only cared about what I did in your bed not what went on inside my head 
Thank you for that 
You made me feel beautiful for once in my life but after two months of sitting on my bed feeling sorry for myself and wishing you were there I realized that I was beautiful long before I met you 
I'm even more beautiful now that I finally realized that I deserved better than you 
I never thought that someone that meant so much to me wouldn't mean much more than $33 for a concert ticket six months down the road 
Give me a box of envelopes, monogrammed paper and a ballpoint pen so I can curl up in the recliner in the corner of the room and remember the one that I tried so hard to get you off on awkwardly as your best friend curled up in the corner pretending not to notice as I write 
Dear ex lover #3, 
It started out with a half an hour conversation about the Asking Alexandria patch on my backpack at a novice debate tournament I wanted to ditch how did it end up like this? 
11 months later and you've got me praying to God and traveling 2000 miles across the country to learn how to love myself so I could stop being such a shithead to you 
It may not have seemed like it but you meant a lot more to me than beach dates and Starbucks coffees and indie rock mixtapes, though those things were nice because you were the first person who wasn't afraid to share those things with me 
We agreed from day one that everything was temporary and eventually time for us would run out but I guess time is an illusion and you can never really tell how long "temporary" really is but that's how I learned to make the best out of the things that God gives you 
You put the word God back in my mouth, a place it hadn't been welcome for years 
Congratulations, you finally shattered my wall but you only shattered it after you had already given up because you couldn't see how weak the foundation was becoming 
You left very shortly before the demolition date but that doesn't matter 
You took it down and created a place for a gazebo with flowers to grow, a much more welcoming place than it ever had been 
I'm just upset you never got to stand in it with me
Now I find myself scrolling down my Instagram feed staring at your face having fun without me and debating whether or not I should just call you and say how sorry I am that the trust wasn’t established and it wasn’t great because I taught myself to be afraid of intimacy and tell you what the real purpose of this vacation was 
I guess my stepmom was right, I did mostly want to go home because of you because I felt that this vacation was pointless if the relationship was over but it was really a blessing in disguise because I'm finally doing something good for myself instead of spending so much time worrying about someone else 
You can say it had nothing to do with me all you want but I know my issues got in the way 
You did say that when I started praying that it would get harder before it gets better and I guess this means that the hard part is over 
It definitely wasn't love but goddamn it was something 
Give me a box of envelopes, monogrammed paper and a ballpoint pen so I can stand on the street corner waiting to meet up with a friend and make a quick note to write 
Dear stranger, 
Thank you for smiling at me today 
You may just be an extra in the movie that is my life but the movie wouldn't be realistic with solely main characters 
You made my movie make a little more sense 
Give me a box of envelopes, monogrammed paper and a ballpoint pen so I can sit on my bathroom countertop and look in the mirror and write 
Dear self, 
I'm so proud of you
You learned how to find beauty in negative spaces 
You beat the life out of those voices and those demons 
You grew flowers where there were once just dead bushes with thorns 
You lived to write this today 
Good job, beautiful 
And I fold up that monogrammed paper and I put down that ballpoint pen 
I place each paper in each envelope and send it off where it needs to go
Some end up in the garbage, some lay unread on the windowsill, some end up in the ocean, some end up on the bathroom floor, some end up taped on the bedroom wall, some end up sticking to the mirror 
Mine ends up on the bottom of a box in my dusty closet in the back of the lowest shelf ready to be read once, twice, thrice to remind me of how amazing I really am 
Give me a box of envelopes, monogrammed paper and a ballpoint pen
I want to be someone's favorite author 
 
 
 

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