A story of a dying flower

I was 7 when darkness reached my exuberant soul

School was happy and friends were plentiful

Class was full of inviting faces but,

There was one room

I just could never seem to face

Even when I could no longer hold the liquid inside me

I could not enter the shuddersome stalls of the school bathroom

Not one miniscule toe on one tiny foot on my small body could enter

The threshold of hell that was the girls bathroom

To this day I could not tell you what made me so afraid

All i know is the terrible unease I would feel when I came near

Like all the happiness in my body was torn apart and blown everywhere,

Like leaves in the wind they would stray

Inside I would run and call after my happiness but if I was near that bathroom,

It would not return

It got to the point where I physically could not enter that room

My feet wouldn’t let me

It was nearing my 13th birthday

I felt as though my stomach was being tickled by tiny butterfly wings

Everything I did was with caution

For something could go wrong if I was not careful

I went from hugging friends and eating food

To showering until my raw skin ripped off

Until every day was a struggle

And every hot shower and missed meal hurt me in unimaginable ways

I had no more new skin to shed

My parents took me to a place

A locked place without them

Away from all I knew

From normal

From the safety of my showers and packaged food

My uncontaminated corner of my mother’s bed

My safe clothes and my school clothes

I sat in the center of the hospital bed

White linen surrounding me in clouds

Crying softly to the beat of my heart

Days past and staff tried to get me to laugh,

I was too shy to welcome any of them

Too sick to let them touch me,

To let them help me

To let them heal me

Packaged food was brought from my saviors

Along with home washed clothes

I could not shower

The water was touching the pipes which were contaminated

I could get hurt and die or worse

I could not brush my teeth without water bottles

I met a man with hair of fire

His glasses surrounded his face, magnifying his expressions

I let him into my house of fears

He got me out into society

I was 14 when I met him

The tall dark haired handsome 15 year old

I fell head over heels for him

One week at a time a fell deeper

He would push me in ways I never imagined

He taught me that sometimes men get what they want

Even if we women did not enjoy it as much

I told him about my anxieties and he said

He sometimes was hyperactive

He supported me which was all I could ever ask for, right?

I started to feel more anxiety around him

He never wanted to talk

Only to touch me, my face, my hips, my hair, my ….

I didn’t want to be with him anymore,

So one day at his house,

I told him I was breaking up with him

His phone went flying into the wall

Tears came pouring out from his eyes

I did not know what to do

He asked for one last hug and kiss

He was crying I couldn’t say no to that

So i did, he said okay after a few more hugs

And asked me to come with him to his basement

To see a turtle I hadn’t met and didn’t know he had

I trusted him,

I went down the dimly lit stairs

The musky smell triggering thoughts of contamination

There was one source of light besides

The little windows

That all basements have

It was a lightbulb in the center of the room

The switch is a string

That you have to pull

He did and I saw in the corner a tank

A small turtle resided in it

I smiled at the sight of it

He told me to come over

To the couch in the center of the room

I sat down next to him gingerly

He started at my face,

Grabbing my body

Pushing himself on me

Pulling out his friend

Telling me to look

I said stop

No

Please just stop

I was looking around

While he was fiddling with my pants

I saw a glimmer of hope in

A flash of red outside my window,

My father

I used all of my strength to rip myself free

Running up the stairs

Into my car

Safe

I showered and tried to get HIM off me

I cried myself to sleep

I was 15 when depression caressed me with His claws

I took 300 pills, prescription and over the counter

My breathing slowed

Medics came, trying to save my life

I was put on a lifeline and intubated

I was medically flown in a helicopter twice but I will never remember

I was out for a week,

Blamed it on medication,

When inside I was cursing myself for failing

It was nearing my 16th birthday when

I was sent to a place

I would never forget

Where people were forced to live

In rooms that only fit

A twin sized bed

With someone constantly watching them

This would go on for days, weeks

Until the person wrote to the overseers of

The unit

Who would decide what you could and could not do

Who handed out freedom

Like it was a precious jewel

That they wanted for themselves

I was promised a pristine place

Where I could work

On my problems and difficulties

What I got

Was a hateful place

Where the staff didn’t

Know shit about mental health

Or how to handle someone in crisis

To this day I fear that place

Where kids were always

Crying

Screaming

Fighting

Right in my face

I learned to take all of my

As needed medications

To drug me and knock me out

From 7 pm until 7 am

When I was out, finally

After 3 months

I had nightmares

About it and feared going back

I still do

I will never forget

I was 16 when I realized that this life would never end

That I didn’t care what happened next,

Everything was shit,

I asked to enter my 18th psychiatric hospitalization

Trying to treat my varying illnesses

OCD, Depression, Panic disorder, Celiac Disease, PTSD?

What else can be piled onto my plate?

How much can I take?