Stream Of Consciousness

I don’t know I guess it doesn't matter now

We've been here before

where we ask ourselves why did this happen and how?

You're still the one that I adore and I have never been so sure

But our parents, as always, decided to get in the way

they've always been the ones to get in the way of our thoughts that only ever repeated the word stay

But you decided to leave

But you decided to leave, you tried to find your way out of my most important muscle.

You screamed and struggled and as I got chest pains I bit my knuckle

You broke my heart's window and sneaked out hoping you could stop causing trouble

And when you left you tried your hardest to make it subtle

Although I could tell and even then you would ignore me when don't go were the only words I could ever mumble

But you didn't know that I could I feel you travel through the purple, green, blue tunnels under my skin

I knew I had to let you out

I decided to let you win since

There was nothing else left to figure or even argue about

It slid across my skin the only sin I ever really had issues within

My mind

And the thought of you leaving would never completely unravel or unwind

in my brain

I felt paralyzed like a knife pierced through my flesh and hit my spine

Pain

that would hurt for a split second then nothing at all

The pain that I couldn't take

The pain that my heart once contained was much more than I could ever sustain

But the way

You handled me showed everyone you were the only one who could maintain

The only human being who could and would

Make sure I was tamed the correct way

"I HATE MEN I HATE THEM"

I remember when that was said

It was yelled so loud into my ear that it popped my eardrum

I thought I had gone deaf

But I told her that that's what I was

That I'm a man

And I am

But just because they fucked up

Just because of him

you won't seem to let me in

I do everything in my power to make sure you're okay and I pray to God that he shows you the way

But damn it man you need to try too

Because you said that you loved me more than I loved you

And you claim it to be true

But everything you've been through stops you

I just don't understand how a man could do that you

You're a precious human being with feelings too

And sometimes you think you have too many and sometimes I agree with you

But you can't bring up my mistakes and hope to shake me out of my ways that way

I'm changing and you know it

But you're stuck with everything you've been told and

And I can't stand it

But I guess whatever you say is true

So I guess I'm a cheater

And I guess I'm a liar

And I guess I don't deserve you either

And I guess I'm just tired

But I love you

And everyone says

that I should stick with you

Because I deserve the best

But then again

when I hold your hand and wrap myself around you everyone says I shouldn't

because I don't deserve you

I don't meet your standards of loyalty and commitment

And people think it only has to do with women

But trust me when I say that I can never put an end

to what I start

I can never finish

And it's hard

I don't meet your standards of a man

And it probably has to do with the shape of my hands

And the way my hair falls, how it lands

But you said that's exactly what made me a man

Remember?

Remember last December

when I lost my temper

because everyone decided to define my gender

because of what was in between my legs? But you told me to relax and gave me my favorite drink

Dr.Pepper

Remember? You were my little helper

The one who provided me with shelter

in your arms

and made sure that I could never be harmed

You were my shield and I loved you to pieces

But even now you seem to question my love for you as if I didn't make you feel needed

You said you loved the way you were treated

That the memory of him had been deleted

Because it was us against this cruel world

We were undefeated

But I guess not

Because now my hearts in a knot

And I can't believe you forgot

that I was the only one whoever fought off your—Whatever

I lost my train of thought

Forget it

All I'm trying to say is

Even though I sculpted the moon for you

And changed the seasons from leaves falling to flowers starting to bloom

It was never enough

You started to get fed up

With the rumors and you decided it was better to just break up

I don't understand

Just hold my damn hand

And tell me that I'm your only man

And you're never going to leave me

Even if you can't stand me

Because you need me

And because I come in handy

My poor baby you've lost your faith

Stopped going to church because you got lost in self hate

You've found yourself in this very same place

Over and over again

Aren't you tired?

Don't you wanna wake up and feel like it's okay to smile

That everything that's going on around you is worth it's while?

Because now I do

I'm glad I get to see another day

Another chance to see you grow as a beautiful woman, to see you be the amazing human being that you are

You've come so far

I just want you to stay

But damn it she got it her way

Just because she ran into me and my ex fighting in the restroom

She got it her way

She's been waiting for the day

Where you no longer stay

And your feelings for me fade

She got it her way

The moment you said

"You know what

I'm done

I can't

I'm sorry"

I felt my bad habits creep up day after day and night after night

I knew that once again I had to fight

And I remember running into the bathroom

Crying

Telling everybody I was fine when I was lying

I remember running into my room

Trying

Telling myself to give it up, I lost the fight

But I kept trying

And I remember picking up the blade and placing it a few inches under my chin, under my squared face

It pressed against my throat

And if felt like a tightrope

I had always thought I'd follow through

But I always knew that even tho as much as I wanted to

It'd be the last thing I do

I remember running to you

And gripping onto you

I told you that I needed you and that there was no else like you

I cried and begged you to stay because I really wanted you to

A few weeks later

You tried to leave this earth

You felt like you could no longer put up with the hurt

But my glorious father gave you a second chance

He gave us all a second chance

To try and prove it to you that

there's so much more than that

Those feelings that strangle your conscious

I told you to be cautious

Because sometimes the pain becomes so unbearable and you feel nauseous

Let the water run

Turn on the faucet

Let me clean you up

Then grab a tshirt from my closet

And put it on you

You've always been so flawless

Took a ring out of my pocket

And asked you if that's what you wanted

Stream of Consciousness