Strengths in Differences

One…two…three…I count the slow, shallow breaths I take as I try to calm my mind and regain the steady beat of my heart once again. I don’t always remember being like this. I remember a time when I used to be carefree and happy. I was the easy-going, golden-haired, heart breaker child that would never ever hurt even one of God’s tiniest creatures in the World. I remember a time when I wouldn't cringe at the sound of an adult male voice or become paranoid that someone was out to get me, all the time. I remember a time when I wouldn't be afraid of the World. I remember complete bliss. The whooshing sensation of the wind in the trees has become my new solace over the years, and the sunlight has never failed to cover me in the everlasting warmth of its shimmering glow. Summer was always a happy season for me. I always found comfort in taking walks and taking in the fresh air surrounding my recently grounded atmosphere. It gave me hope of a new start. So, for just any average minded person, today was just a normal summer day; however, something for me was just a tad bit different. The change in the winds and the darkening blue-gray sky in the distance sent a tumult of internal rage and numbness rolling fiercely back into my mind and soul like it routinely did for those five years. Those five years will never be erased from my memory. Those five years will haunt my decisions and actions towards my family, friends and loved ones for the rest of my adult life. Being sexually abused by someone you trusted like another father-figure totally blows your ship off its direct course, crashing its mast and slender haul of everything you have ever known, into a whirlpool of drowning sorrow. On the news, I see all the horrible things happening to people every day and I can relate. However, I still continue to carry on with my life and its normal absurdities, as if nothing had ever happened to me. However, no one really knows how hurt I had become because of those five years of suffocation and sheer terror. My mother being repressed as she was never knew how to be there for me. My father was trapped by his sense of losing his best friend and not wanting to believe the tragedy of the burdening truth. Ultimately, he chose his best friend’s word as the higher power of good, versus my misconstrued opinion about being placed in the situation I had been placed in for the past five years. I was alone through it all. As I continue to walk down the street during this present summer day, I close my eyes and let the wind pull me into its comforting grasp, relieving me of my worries and haunting sorrows for the moment. The sound of distance thunder booms like a faint bass, sporadically in between the intrepid beats of my heart. The sudden drops of rain come from the angry clouds above my head; I look up and notice the similarities between me and these boisterous, clambering clouds. I had never completely processed how I had become so broken in those five years. I had become a lonesome thundercloud in the midst of a sky filled with broken dreams, and lost hopes, due to the storms of what seemed like a never-ending predation. I sat down on the sidewalk, placing my head on my knees while hugging underneath my legs. I waited, for what it seemed, close to five years to watch these storm clouds slowly pass on by. The sun began peeking out again, like an old friend who had been there for me all along. I realized, in the end, I had been the one to really nurture myself back to a better state of mind. I was awakening the dreams inside myself that I had always had the strength to accomplish and I soon realized my dreams had never left my heart. I had never given up the sight of my dreams inclusive to helping others, like I helped myself. Difficulty strikes you in weakest of moments; however, I learned to never give up hope. A relinquished, renewed passion was born and ready for its longing dreams to blossom with the radiance of the summer sun, and the will of my everlasting compassion. You begin to discover yourself whole-heartedly once you have learned how to stand up for yourself and your body. The strongest person I have ever been has been discovered on just a simple summer day, for just any average minded person; however, today something for me was just a tad bit different.