Stuck In Between

 Stuck in between 

I rocked my baby in my arms singing softly to her. It helps me pretend she’s only sleeping. I told her she was going to be okay, it was the first lie I ever told. It was Friday night on a cold evening sitting in my redwood chair looking out the window and back at guilt. “What have I done?”, I asked myself, I sang your favorite song. Please I just need you to hear me one more last time. The ambulance was arriving soon but I couldn't stop holding onto her. I didn’t shed tears, I didn’t hold them back, I just sat there singing hoping she would hear me. I could hear them coming closer and closer with the red flashing lights. It was her favorite color. Soon they came running inside quickly trying to take her from me but I held her tightly until they soon took her. An hour later they came out saying sorry. But no it was me who should be saying sorry because I am, Samantha, I truly am. The next few days all my friends tried calling me, but I needed time like all those stereotypical freaks right? With life issues and problems. Should I be sobbing with guilt? I can’t express feelings, it's like i'm stuck in between life. I’m depressed but it’s different. It’s like I ask myself “Why is this happening?” The doorbell just rang and I want to get up and open it but I can’t, I need some fucking space is that okay I ask myself once more? I just sit there again, and ignore the ringing. “Hello? You okay man” people are worried about you.” It’s Marcus, one of my colleagues in college. But I ignored him. I decided to look at my phone not quite knowing what to expect. I took my phone and then put it back. I decided not to. She was only a year old when it happened.