Successive Breaths

I am dreaming about pies

Or maybe it was chrysanthemums

Or the way your laugh sounds like distant thunder

and I always loved thunderstorms.

I hear your breath in my ear to remind me that it is 7pm

It is not time to sleep yet

That I am just sleepy because you are holding me.

That you are holding me because you love this body

This fat imperfect body

And I don’t understand it

And I’ll never understand it

But I’m so thankful for it.

And I open my eyes to see your hand on my hand and your arm under my neck like a pillow I didn’t know I was using.

And I can feel your body against my back

The warmth

And the sweat

And your heartbeat resonating through my body

Mimicking my own like music

And I look at our hands again

Breathing out right before you do

And I notice how similar they are

How the curves of my fingers seem to be designed to match with your own

How my big hands finally feel normal

And yet how different it all is

Our skin is painted like coffee beans

But mine just needed more creamer

A lot more creamer

Because I’m not as sweet as you

And you know I could never drink coffee much anyway

How I’ve always needed a latte

Because I’ve never liked the bitter taste on my lips

Which is to say, it’s so sweet that yours are so sweet

And I think of the words my father said when I left for college at 18, “don’t bring home a black girl” and if he could only see me now. Curled in your arms.

So I guess you could say I listened

I didn’t not bring home a black girl

But I brought home a man who loves me and I’d like to think he’d be proud

But we both know he wouldn’t.

But we both know I don’t care

But we both know we’re better off this way

And I remember your arms wrapped around me again

And I wonder what you’re thinking about

In the still of this room

And the dim fake candle on my dresser

You laughed when I confessed it was fake

And I knew I wanted to kiss you then

But I didn’t

And when my head was rested on your chest and I talked about Halloween

You laughed again

I like it when you laugh

And this time you kissed me

This time you bent in and kissed me

And I forgot what I was going to say

And it doesn’t matter what I was going to say

Because you are here

And I realize while I was thinking all this that you have fallen asleep as well

That our breaths are consecutive and repetitive and finally synchronized.