Suffocate

Everyday feeling alone like the walls are closing in on me. Claim to love me so much but yet he hates me. Suffocated, trapped while dying on the inside Having daily regrets for choosing me as his wife. Everything that goes wrong is always my fault From not having a relationship with his kids to loosing in court Who truly has regrets me or him, A smile so bright from his past when he reminisce. Hate in his eyes when I'm around or his presence Marrying me has been more of a punishment than a  blessing. Suffocated, heart broken, dazed and confused 13 years of hurt pain mental,physical and verbal abuse. I feel weak ill willed because I lost control Treat me like a child" do as you're told. Everybody I care about I lose Trying to show love as a normal person, wife or mother would Laugh to cover up the pain because it hurt so much Has my life been a blessng or a Curse Why am I here I often ask Suffocated behind four walls fake smile hidden under a mask. Even as a child I was tortured and mistreated Locked in the closet for hours with no food to eat Tears of pain and anger as they roll down my face Everyday I live I can't breathe from suffocating. Can't eat,can't think, cant sleep, can't breathe, Allowing everyday drama and abuse to get the best of me. Marriage is supposed to be for better or worse So Can anybody tell me why the pain from all the hurt. Wrath,anger, malice comes from daily uncontrolled drinking Instead of loving me he rather mistreat, abuse &accuse me No relationship outside these walls makes me feel like a prisoner Questioning why am i here why am I living Marriage is supposed to bring joy happiness yet it feel like a life sentence. Sometimes I feel like running away so it can all be over No longer suffocating, dying inside,trapped  or under his control.