Suicidal (I Never Knew)

I wish I could've known more; I wish there was something I could've done differently. 6ft in the ground at an age too young. I enjoyed the connection; the bond that was forming again. Life was just cut short, and I didn't realize that they were struggling. Someone close to me, whom I haven't seen in years, suddenly passed away by self-harm. I've been there; I had the dark thoughts constantly, but never the courage to actually follow through - praise the Lord for getting me through that rough time! - The ache in my heart to know that I wasn't there to stop this, or at least help out and remind them that their life is so precious and that they are valuable; there is always light at the end of the tunnel! There are SO many reasons to live - and I wish I could've done a better job at saying or showing that. Self-harming that has been happening for years, I wish I would've known. I wish I would've connected sooner. Why does this have to be so hard to cope with? Why does this ache so much to the point it stings beyond what I can even express in words? A person I haven't seen or talked to in years, that I got the opportunity to connect with after a while, suddenly just takes their own life. A person so close and dear....someone I truly cared about deeply. Yes, other people said that they were mentally unstable, but the connection that I felt with them was not fake. I believed them, but the connection that I felt with them was something that couldn't be denied. I still saw good in them despite what others said. This is such a tragedy, a situation that is so dark and beyond any words, I can't even begin to express my thoughts or my emotions right now. I know that if I try to suppress my emotions, I will end up putting on this facade of being ok. Using the excuse - I'm gaslighting myself so I can say that I'm fine; everything is fine. In reality, I know full well that I have people around me that I can talk to - people that will actually take the time to listen to me and, in the end, lift me up as a sister in Christ. Ultimately, I know that there is only one I can and will run to, not only when good things are happening but when the hard times come. My heavenly Father is always right by my side, so why should I be afraid or feel the need to shut down? To be so guarded? One thing I know for sure is that when the winds and waves of life come I my hope and my life is on a firm foundation that cannot be shaken! I know that through this God will always make a way because He always remains faithful in every season! To you and you alone be the honor, the glory, the praise, the dominion, and the majesty forever and ever!!