sunflowers

i now realize all that washed from my underdeveloped brain

“sins” that you created 

that i perceived as mandatory

for having to force myself into a mold that restrained me

from being a home

a home that i could run back to whenever vulnerability took over me

your absence stopped me from being present with myself

for not being able to truly love another woman

only giving her compliments about her outer appearance 

that you will just criticize as soon as she turns her back

because we are all in a competition 

and when the compliments are genuine 

(which is rare)

its about the countless amounts of makeup painted across her face

hiding the true work of art underneath

or the dress that covers up everything that you find “disgusting”

or “too reaveling”

you can only love a woman for the way she dresses instead of her intellect

what about romantically

at 15 i realized that there was no barriers with love

this love

(that came from a woman)

brought me

youth

salvation

& 

joy.

all of which you hid from me

i guess this is why its hard for me to feel

any emotion for that matter

so when i felt that

it was too much to handle

so i let her go

before i could even hold her in my arms

her skin softly kissed by the sun

with eyes of the most smooth chocolate like the tone of my skin

dear God why did i let her leave

she could’ve stayed

and filled the hole in my heart that was reserved for you

but you declined

don’t worry

i will find someone

someone who will love me

someone who doesn’t mind avoiding the broken pieces 

that make me

someone who is cautious of my fragile body, mind, and soul

& knows that they should not be treated as a toy

but like a delicate glass vase

that holds the most beautiful sunflowers

i now know the beauty that is stored in me

after all of the sourest lemons life found 

and decided to throw into my direction

i was able to make the sweetest lemonade.