Surrender

Surrender, THE THEME FOR SPRING.

JP Soapbox Moment , freewrite.. ™️©️

I surrender.
I surrender control. 
I surrender me.
I cannot think you into existence.
I can't change the way the truth was revealed, not to me, not to you.
I surrender,  the idea of a time I don't remember. 
I release the lost years that you plagued my heart & begged my mind, to call you by name, and the disappointment, which followed soon after,  my first surrender, the one in  which I had courage to face you.
  As I did,  the dawning that there was no spark, no ember, your rage, your apathy the only constant  tangible things of you,  mixed in faded memories and events of days long since healed and passed. I didnt know you then I won't pretend to now.
The image I held of you kept me locked in another time working out foggy scenarios, shifting sand,  identifying with the turbulence of a practiced hand,  love permeated my every dream a kind of love I had never known since,
I thought this love, belonged to,  another, YOU. 
The love I felt then was actually my own, all those years ago, the feeling of my great love for me is a constant still, that I now recognize. Then it mistakenly kept me bound to you .
In my life great love, great passion, these are mine; with determination I uncovered this truth,  with fingers ground down to grit, from holding so tight to an image that kept me safe in my space, a love that I replaced with your face, kept me locked in hells embrace, opening the door to all I had hoped, came from surrender, nothing more.  
I surrender the images.
I surrender to the courage that love conquers all.
In that love, harsh truths revealed,
I, to you, a heart to be taken, shaken, forsaken.
I surrender the reflection in your eyes as you looked down on me, the disdain for my perceived failings etched in each line of your expression.
I , a girl once,  no voice, no courage. I failed to navigate with trembling hands and speak honestly, the valid fears I had.
No amount of pleasing would ever have pleased you. Not then, not now.
Without the delusion of control,  I  surrender you to your life, and me into mine. 
A love I was seeking right before me, found, my own.
Another beginning with pen in hand.
I surrender to all of my memories, of you, not an easy task because I really loved that love right back. I thought that love was you, with a practiced hand and gentle heart. I suppose I will write about that too, I release that time, to another  page, another chapter, closing. 
You will be part of my life in a very distant different way, your memory,  I surrender in this story, now unraveled so it seems, I was not mistaken.
I surrender to acceptance. 
I surrender to love.
I surrender to truth.
I surrender you.