Survivor

I am a six year old, sitting watching cartoons with a yogurt in my hand

Crying because her chest hurts, Mommy's panicked

and she doesn't understand

Laying on a hospital bed while Daddy rustles my hair

Saying my heart just ran a marathon,

That I gave everyone a scare

I am a second-grader, who is saying goodbye to her class

Listening to the well-wishes, the "Get Well Soon!" chorus

As I prepare for the surgical table, laying like a bug under glass

A year later, my heartbeat hits 300 beats per minute, I hear it pounding through every orfice

As the doctor say I'm a miracle, that its ok to go to sleep 

But I can't. I can still hear the drum inside me pounding

And there's no use counting sheep

I am 11, prepubescent and the oddball who everyone likes to pick on

Because I can't run fast, I clear my throat too often, I have a vocabulary above my age group

I ignore them as much as I can and obsess over my favorite TV show

Then Mom is hospitalized for a year. I barely see her. I'm out of the loop

I hit an all-time low

I drown myself in music, write my feelings and cry at night

Think about jumping out of windows, fend off thoughts of knives, bite my hands instead of cutting

I never hurt myself because I know that'd prove the bullies right

Besides, I'd be hurting everyone around me, and I should be proud, should be strutting

At my school concert I get up to sing a solo, and the kids snicker and roll their eyes

Only to have their jaws drop open when I bring the house down and get a standing ovation

I win a literary competition with an essay about my heart, much to my surprise

And am published by a literary arts council, flooded with elation

In middle school, I am happy, but jaded, my sense of trust shattered, a wall of sarcasm built

Until someone hugs me and says that I looked like I needed one

I cry again, but this time its out of relief, covering me like a quilt

In high school, I am a beam of sunshine until my so called "friends" abandon me Sophmore year

Saying I'm too sensitive, too easily offended when they make the occasional anti-semetic joke

 That I am annoying when I refer to the D.A.R.E program and refuse to drink a beer

I don''t fit into their "all-accepting group", I'm not one of their folk

I am a nuclear explosion as I point out the hypocrisy of it all,

A burning, toxic maelstrom of anger, sorrow, and shame as I realize I was fooled by these people

That I'm being made to take the radioactive fall

For not conforming, not becoming one of the sheeple.

For the first time, I realize what I am, and walk away.

I am hurt and skeptical, a wounded animal in human skin

I am artistic, channeling negativity into music and acting

I am a wolf, protective of my true friends, my kin

I am cause and effect, changing and reacting

I am a midnight radio station, singing out to those who lie awake with eyes closed and hearts open

I am a wishing well, praying for equality and an end to bullying with every penny thrown

I am a poet, speaking words that should never be unspoken

I am a guitar, with warmth in timbre and tone

I am the sum of my parts, good and bad

I am a survivor, and I am glad.