Synedrex

Freezing,

shaking,

sweating?

Dripping down my shivering skin

underneath my two sweatshirts.

I do not do my school work

because no matter how carefully,

I cannot manage to write legibly.

I want to run a frantic mile,

but instead, I doze on the floor of the handicap stall.

And my insides are burning up,

so I drown them in 96 ounces of water.

My stomach growls in an illusion of hunger,

but appetite is nonexistant.

-

3 days in,

double-dosing,

I look at my reflection

and the dull yellow of my eyes

screams of the danger of this experiment 

in diet culture.

And I'm so fucking terrified of what I've done to myself.

Bit by bit, I undertake the task of shoving,

piece after piece of a singular slice of 70 calorie wheat bread

down my protesting gullet.

I gag on 80 calories of my mother's favorite Greek yogurt.

I don't want her to be angry but I could really use the 

90mg of potassium and 10 grams of protein.

I'm so exhausted that I can barely

move my hand to my mouth to feed myself.

I'm so fatigued that I do not chew.

The bread tastes like glue as it dissolves

and eventually slides down my starved throat.

No one was home to see me stumbling from the couch to the bathroom

again and again.

Gagging, but never anything more than spit-up.

Excrement and sweat stinking with the unnatural stench of Synedrex

Honestly, I think I could have died.

But I kept this nightmare ordeal to myself.

And you would think that I would have at least learned my lesson.

But sometimes I still wake up with the urge to curb my appetite,

the longing for the pride of refusing a bite.

Some days I still wake up and play with my life.