synonyms of "love"

i am trying to understand

but this is so big

with words like "idolatry"

and the bishop of the church telling me i'm going straight to hell

and my grandmother disappointedly shaking her head

and my parents asking me why

and my parents calling me stupid

and my parents calling the police

and my parents calling me "hungry"

and my parents calling it "sad"

and my friends calling it "stress"

and my sisters knowing half of the edited truth

and i look down at my empty wrists

at scars that used to be cuts

and i wonder

are these hateful words

aggressive words

meant to describe the same feeling i get

when i stop crying

simply because you would want me to?