Teared Beard

Location

As I sit on this cold ground
Surrounded by those that seem to have it together
I'm falling apart
 
The Man in White speaks 
With words so appealing
But my walls block out His blessed invitation
 
Amidst all that should be good 
I find myself doing all that is bad
In a place where freedom is available
I'm locking myself in
 
They sing and it sounds so ignorant
Do they even know how much we are hurting?
The banners wave 
Balloons rock back and forth 
The water ripples
My heart is shaking, 
My mind is buzzing
My body is vibrating 
Because of a Spirit that I don't want to believe is there
 
The mass's cheering knocks my body against the wall
For every Plunge, my heart twangs
Every note struck adds to the weight on my neck
 
I have a decision to make
Everyone I love flashes through my head
People I have hurt, People I could hurt 
Family, friends, mentors and mentees
Those who have led me, those I have led
My choice is obvious, but is this the day to go down that way? 
 
All of the sudden, I'm all dried up. 
The music stops
My face drains of blood, tears, and snot
My Beard soaks it all up
 
That Man in White walks over to me and sits down in front of me
He lifts my head up and smiles
Like a ventriloquist, He turns my head and speaks for me
"I need help. I can't do it by myself"
 
My legs won't move 
My entire body tremors
The Enemy holds me down
Stuck to the ground like a sunken ship burdened with heavy metals
Anchored in mud and filth
Drowning in the dark anaerobic possibilities 
 
With knots in my throat
Tears in my Beard
Legs paralyzed
Tense all over
 
Like the paralyzed Man being lowered through the Rooftop
My church picks me up
They lead me to the place of my Past's Death
Taking the steps of the convicted and the confused
Along the wall and down the stairwell
Through the double doors and into the Opening
 
Passing those on the Other Side, I search for the Man in White
I slow my pace for I am tired and afraid
He sees me from afar and His Spirit pushes me toward Him
 
He welcomes me with a solid and inescapable embrace
He speaks words of love that shatter my walls 
His message of grace hammers and chops me
Over and Over
Deeper and Deeper
 
"Jesus loves you.
Jesus loves you.
Jesus loves you.
Jesus loves you.
Jesus loves you.
I love you. 
I love you. 
I love you. 
I love you. 
I love you."
 
Finally, I fall to defeat like a dead tree getting in the way of new growth
"Maybe compassion will not come 
Until we begin to die to our own wills"
 
He leads me to the Plunge
A place I have only seen from the outside 
The Man in White invites me into His life
 
Like I'm going to back out now. 
 
Knowing full well that I want what I can't see 
Longing whole-heartedly for that which mystifies me
I take the Plunge. 
 
Nothings really changes. 
My body is wet, but my soul is still dry.
My heart is broken and unable to hold an ounce
 
The towels wipe off the tears and snot from my Beard
While I shiver and smile
A different shake and tremor fills my being
A Teared Beard filled with Fresh Water
 
The Helpers from the Other Side smile and congratulate
They take me here and lead me there
Showing me in their own way how they feel
I hear their words and I feel their hugs
 
But still I am pursued by the Man in White 
The same Man that unstrapped me from the cold ground
The One that led my steps, though weak and confused
 
He shuts my eyes so that I can see Him clearly
 
Like the lost intercity kid, trouble after issue after incident occurs 
And I am finally caught. 
No denying it, no blaming it on others. 
He sits me down and looks at me with a piercing search.
A staring contest with a pre-determined loser, 
I look away, only to be pulled back instead 
The Gamble with Great Return
 
"What . . . what happens next? What do you want me to do?"
 
"Stay out of trouble and watch Me reshape you. I will show you what to do and I will put the right people in your life. I will always be here just as I always have been, whether you were able to see it or not. Trust Me despite how much that may seem impossible. I'm in charge and I'm good at what I do - the best actually. Open your heart to Me and your eyes to now and enjoy yourself with the people that genuinely love you." 

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741