Tears of blue
Stinging pain stabs my skull as it smashes into the white plaster wall
My eyes well and my vision blurs over
I cough
Gasping for air
frantically blinking trying not cry
I look into his eyes
Glowing with anger
I stare
And I decide to think
daddy
The last thing you would do in this position is think
But I do it anyway
I think about his expression
So curled up and stiff
His veins thread through his face so prominent on his brown skin
I could trace them with my finger
his hot breath on my face
Panting
His teeth bared and snarling
I was terrified
Yet I can remember your smile
So foreign now but every once in awhile It can make me want to break down and ask for your acceptance as your daughter
But I'm not
To you I'm not your child
Not anymore
Daddy
I think of your actions
So cruel and exposed I can see now but then it was good
Even every time you yelled at me
At least your noticed me
Even when you punished me
At least you were home that day
Even when you broke my bones
At least your alive
I Loved you
Daddy
Yet things unravels
when I was 9
I never noticed that alcohol on your breath
It was your smell
Not the smell of a drunk
When I thought every dad drank 3 cases a day
When I thought going to buy beer was like going to candy store because you'd want to take me
When I thought going to bars were special not just because they served alcohol
Because they served you
How can you expect me to love you after all you've done?
I know now that how I grew up wasn't normal
It wasn't normal for a dad to be gone months at a time
it wasn't normal for a dad to drink at 8:00 am
It wasn't normal how I'd have to beg for love
It wasn't normal how you treated me
But I was too loyal I obeyed
And always praised you
I always wanted you to love me
Yet I'm here
Turning blue and choking on your grip
I should've known that what we want the most kills you
Dad
As you lift me off the ground
Your arm extended
And slam me against the floor
and you walk away
Like a child unsatisfied with its toy
but you're not a child though
Do You know what you're doing ?
Do you ?!
you act as if nothing happened.
As if you've done nothing wrong
You blame me
You blame everything on everyone
you deny being a drunk
You deny ever being cruel
You Deny the torture you put not just me though
You pour gallons of piety in there mouths just to make them choke and give in
Yet You have the courage
To show us of
And tell us different
Don't twist the twisted ending
You're twisted enough to ask for us after you through us away
Yes you let go of my throat
Yes you let mum take us to Hawaii
But that's no reason to be father of the year
it too late
I've already let go of you
you've lost everything and it was your choice
As I'm crumbed on the floor
You left me and you left nothing good to remember by you
Only tear soaked memories when I thought you cared
When we went to stream to get rocks for the garden
When we went on car rides to niagara falls
When you came to get me at school when you were gone for months
And You make me cry
Seeing you so different
Sometimes I can see a flicker of the one I remember
It breaks my heart
I don't feel bad for wanting you gone
Yet the sad thing is I still miss you
I miss the old you
And idk where he went
He wasn't perfect
He wasn't kind
But he was my daddy
He was my dad
He was my father
And all I have to say now is
goodbye daddy
Goodbye dad
Goodbye father
And I can still feel the scar sewn in my skull
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