Tension

A Clenched jaw,

Accompanied by a golden heart.

Split into two.

A broken bottle of tequila,

neck shattered.

Liquor seeping out of the cracks,

a puddle forms.

Heavy steps from above keep me awake,

no sleep.

No windows in sight,

hard to tell what day it is.

My body braces for impact,

I can't tell from what.

Everyday,

fantasies of harm.

No language for it.

Actions replace words

that don't exist on my tongue.

A test of my manhood,

or of myself.

What is my purpose again?

My sight– lost.

My knuckles– red,

my fingers– pale.

Sunshine,

no color to the eye. 

A dream of ending suffering,

but the will to breathe remains.

Cold air makes each day intolerable.

Others pass numb.

Floating in the dark abyss,

my insides are drifting apart.

One

By 

One.

No sense of where I’ll go.

Only the unease.

A wandering soul.

I yearn for warmth.

To be held,

kept together.

Pressure anchors-

to make me feel whole again.

I wish to stop floating.

I wanna dig down into the soil.

Gia, hold me.

No judgement.

Only love.

What a mother she is–

giving everything,

unseen.

Even when I let her down,

I step back into the abyss.

A ritual of guilt.

An illusion,

To get through the day.