Thank You

Dear sleep,

Oftentimes I lie in my bed at night,

waiting for you to come to me

but you rarely do.

It seems like I never get to see you anymore.

Well I do- just not well and not often.

The journey that left my longing for you began on a late November night as I was driving home.

I have a history of fainting,

so when I began to feel the all too familiar feeling take control of my body

I immediately called my father.

I felt my body growing weaker by the second.

The only thing I managed to croak to my father through the phone

was the intersection I was at.

"Chatsworth and Catalina Boulevard."

When my parents found me I was unconscious

one hand on the gear shift

one hand holding my phone

my father was still on the line,

he had never hung up.

Since that day, the thought of you

causes my hands to shake

makes my eyes water.

I close my eyes at night

hoping to get a taste of you.

But even when I do,

you taste so bitter on my lips.

On the rare occasions you decide to grace me with your presence,

I wake up in a panic

sweating

panting

crying

Because even though you finally decided to visit me,

you have just become a constant reminder

of the night I'd most like to forget.

You put the picture in my head

of me crashing my car

while my bestfriend sits beside me,

of me wrapping it around a telephone pole

as I hear my future child crying from the front seat,

of me fainting as I hold a new born baby

feeling each of their newly developed bones break beneath my weight.

I constantly find myself asking

why me

why me

why me?

Because of you I withdrew from my closest friends

Unable to

look

touch

speak

laugh

to them because of the terrifying dreams you pour into me at night.

Because of you I found myself in the backseat of my best friend's SUV

as she screamed at me for being distant

because of reasons she didn't know

and for reasons she will never understand.

I waited until I got jome to weep.

Despite the steady stream down my cheeks,

I was not angry at my friends;

I was mad at myself.

I had let you take control of me

take control of the things I hold closest to my heart.

Fainting while driving has altered my life forever. 

Because of you, I will always:

be uncomfortable trying to meet you

find our relationship unnatural

look at my friends with a sense of guilt

feel my body stiffen as I pass through the intersection you haunt me with.

But because of you, I will always

appreciate the nights you give me peace

know the worth of my friendships

be an optimist.

You cannot control my life anymore.

The hate you give

fills me with the type of rage that moves mountains.

I'd like to use it to move the type of mountains

that transforms lives.

Lastly, and I know this may seem unexpected

I want to thank you. 

If it weren't for you I would have never discovered the strength that I now know I possess.

So even though this is the end,

the last thing I'd like to say to you is

thank you.

Love and light,

Anonymous