Thank You

The most carefree child

That’s what I was

Obsessed with school

And willing to believe that everything was for a purpose in this world

 

Somewhere along the way

I was forced to throw logicality out the window

There was no way I could study for this

There were no set answers discovered by others before me

 

Despite all my arguments against it

There came a time when I met someone

Someone who would change me

It was at that time that I realized, I had grown up

 

It started so simply

Switching classes to obtain more credits

Being given the trivial task of picking one out of the three remaining seats

Happening to sit right behind him

 

Before I knew it

We started talking to each other

About school, about anime, about life

My night-owl self would get up at five A.M.  just to talk to and laugh with him on Facebook

 

I don’t know what happened

One day, we were casual friends

But the next

I found myself thinking things that had never even crossed my mind before

 

“Do you think he’ll like this hairstyle?”

“What if we were boyfriend and girlfriend?”

“If I ask his friend to work on this project with me, that will give me an in to ask him too, right?”

“Did he see me?”

 

Over and over and over

My thoughts started straying from the usual friendship-style thoughts

And I recognized it

“We’re just friends”...Seriously, that’s all we are...

 

Until one day

Under the breezeway

He stood rather nervously, his hands fidgeting

And confessed to me

 

It was just like every anime I had ever seen

No way

People can like...you back?

My kouhai...likes me?

 

But there was only so much a nerd like me could do

I hated talking about my feelings

Hugs and hand-holding made my heart pound so hard it hurt

Even talking to each other became a constant struggle

I always told myself...if I could just find someone to like

I’d never be like everyone else

I wouldn’t make any stupid mistakes

“I’ll make sure he knows that I like him!”

 

I tried so hard

To hold hands with him

To hug him

To talk to him

 

But...worlds collided

My brain and heart couldn’t stand to be at ends with each other

The stress boiled over

As much as I wanted to hold his hand, I fell short

 

I wouldn’t break up with anyone

I wouldn’t apologize and find myself entitled to such care

I wouldn’t be mean to someone

I couldn’t be mean to someone

 

He knows that I like him, right?

He understands that right?

It’s hard to explain, but…

He knows right?

 

You can’t be good at everything

Logicality will only get you so far…

And in this case

Not far enough

 

Time passed

Things changed

I left

He left too

 

I don’t think I’ve ever been able to forget it

All the constant over-analysation

The pestering and infinite thoughts

The replayed arguments

 

I would argue with myself and try to find a solution to the problem

There weren’t any

So as I continued to spurt out my feelings coming to my head

My words shocked me

 

“...I love him!...”

Etc. etc. etc.

Wait...what?

A tangent detailing everything I hate about him, myself and us and this...this is what I got?

 

No...I got more…

My chest would hurt just seeing him around school

I would find his face in everyone else’s

And every time his name was mentioned...the world stopped

 

Everything was amplified…

Everything slowed down…

Everything sped up…

Everything was a blur...

 

Sometimes, as people, we just have to accept that not everything can be fixed

Maybe, things really could have been avoided...if we weren’t so scared…

But people have a funny way of making sure you learn what you need to

The people we come across in our lives...good, bad….we should learn to thank them

 

For the help they give

For the support they offer

For their beautiful existence

For existing with us

 

I think it was this moment that I realized

I had grown up

Perhaps I had become more childish in the process

But I wouldn’t change any of it

 

These memories of mine

Will always be mine

A reminder to thank him

And to continue on living my best life

 

This poem is about: 
Me

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741