thank you (fuck you)

so i broke up with you last week

and you said you knew this was coming

but still you spit venom at me

and told me that if i couldn’t make the effort to try

then why should we fix things

and that you were sooo glad i’d ‘finally made my mind up’

and that could you have all your stuff back then please?

and afterwards i laughed and smiled

and felt more free than i have in months

blasting ‘single ladies’ throughout the hall

i realised you were toxic

i realised that every bad thing that had happened recently

could be traced back to you

and that honestly i couldn't remember the last time i had smiled in your company

considering every word i said had to be thought through

so that you wouldn't start a fight 

so that you wouldn't call me a child

so that i wouldn't be forced to apologise again.

if i had to speak to you the only thing i can think i’d want to say is thank you

thank you for the worst month of my life

thank you for treating me like shit

thank you for telling me everything is my fault

thank you for making me think i deserve my illness

thank you

for making me realise i deserve so much more than you

for making me see that you were just a boy

trying desperately to bring me down just to raise yourself up

for helping me to see that i am stronger than you

that i can stand up on my own two feet and say no to you

i can say no more

i can say leave me alone

i can say never come back

i can say fuck you.

i can say take your stuff and there’s the door,

take the photograph of us from the wall,

take the songs that remind me of you,

take the roses i’ll never see again without thinking about you,

take away the pretty picture you had painted in my head,

take away everything that is you

because why should you take up anymore space in my mind

why should you get a place to live there

when i’m only just beginning to feel at home

why should you always get what you want and then be surprised when i grow a spine,

why should i always be the one who feels small.

when i said i was breaking up with you

you asked if you got anymore than that

if i would give you a reason

for throwing away our relationship

i told you i wasn’t happy

but what i didn’t tell you was that i was scared

scared that i would get trapped in this endless cycle

of just trying to please you

of just trying to do anything i could so you wouldn’t hurt me

just trying to stop being prey

staring into the barrel of the hunter’s gun

and praying that i’d survive this fight

with my dignity intact.

i didn’t tell you that i was tired

of letting you do as you wished

but forbidding me from doing the same

god forbid i be angry about you kissing my best friend

but feel free to yell when i mention the crush i used to have on a castmate

your hypocrisy was forcing me to conform

i was prey to your predator

and there was no other way out than to run

when i first met you people told me slow down

people told me you weren’t right for me,

that you wouldn’t be good to me,

that you could be dangerous.

but i’ve never put much faith in warning labels

and i decided to give it a shot

barrel still warm in my hands

i wish i’d never fired the gun

i wish i’d never removed the safety

i wish i’d listened to my friends.

but i pulled the trigger anyway

and now i hold our ‘love’ in my hands,

bullet holes and all

but i won’t try and keep it alive

you try to make it my fault

but it is all yours

i am stronger than you

i deserve more than you

and i will put my hands up

when queen bey tells me to

and i will say fuck you

for making me think i was nothing

and thank you

because now i am everything.