thats just that

I want to kill myself so bad

thats just that

i rock back and forth and back and forth and forth and back and back and back back back and forth

im always losing against the waves 

im just hoping my strength will die 

and soon it will i can feel it 

but whys it always finding more fuel to burn?

i want to simmer out you know

i want to dim 

and spark 

and cough

until there isnt much left but cold ash

instinct always fights back

i hate her

i hate how she makes me feel

she knows i want to be happy, she wont let me live in a lie

she knows i want to laugh and jump, she wont let me sit

she knows i want hugs and words of love and kisses of comfort and giggles of praise, she wont let me forget it

she feeds my flame forevermore,

never once am i allowed to drown,

i close my eyes and sink, just for a bit, just for a minute

but she grabs me by the hair 

fills with me shame and reminds me of how ungoverned i am 

and then i turn my head, but ive already thanked her in my head 

regardless, 

Regardless, regardless, regardless, regardless

Regardless, 

i miss the way my head felt under water

the way the cold water frees my face of tension and soothes my hair of knots 

is this an honest truth?

do i even know?

its messy, ive cramped it all in my closet its fine 

its messy, maybe the mess isnt as big as i percive

is my closet going to blow?

ive put a lot in there, its messy 

im just so tired i wish the waves would just lull me 

i wish the waves would just eat me