the "care" in apathy

I used to care of what others thought of me, but they never saw me, so I stopped caring. Apathy didn't happen overnight, but your jokes landed hard. and I never laughed, so now I hold my cards close to my weeping heart. I close my eyes and bow my head. My lips part, and out dance like ballerinas in theater, exactly what you want to hear. I play the part of the mediator. Alone in my room, I lay in my bed, and it isn't gumdrops or sugarplums that dance in my head, but thoughts of the day, and all I wish to say, for you to go away. But you're in my head, Yes, you're in my mind. I wish to rid you, but you are like death, I cannot find. So I slam the door. Yes I click the lock. I force you out I’m not for you to mock. It is lonely, not caring. It is lonely, apathy.