There Is A Light That Never Goes Out - A Letter

12/27/17

To Anyone Who's Curious,

I want you to know my weird habits:

1.     Counting stairs

2.     Underlining pretty letters that I write

3.     A bad memory to buckle my seatbelt

At 17 I fell in love for the first time. Our heartbeats aligned like synchronized swimmers treading in the warm pink tea that filled your car with the smell of warmth. You would write me notes that made me cry in class and wiped tears with the back of your hand. My curfew was extended so I could help pack your bags, smelling each shirt and kissing your cheek each time I folded one into the suitcase. I wrapped my legs around yours and sat in your lap. I wish our bodies had melted into one. I love you to the moon and back.

4.     Blowing three air kisses to things I like

5.     An infatuation with earlobes

6.     Pouring milk before cereal

It ended abruptly, like the sharp pull of a lamp string, leaving me in darkness wrapping abyss around my protruding bones. I pawed out with shaking hands to again feel the stubble on your face. I didn’t know where I left my individualism.  

7.     Twisting triangle earrings in deep thought

8.     Loving too deeply

9.     Connecting the freckles on my arms like constellations

Two years. Of experimentation. Of anger. Thoughts of afterlife dripping off my brain, pooling into the bottom of my sneakers. I couldn’t find comfort in anyone. Not in the shell of my own body, the skin holding back dams of light that started seeping through my pores.

10.  Tasting metal when silverware scrapes

11.  Breaking bananas into thirds

12.  Yawning when I cry too hard

I’ve learned to appreciate the rain that hits the side of my face. Stick my tongue out even. I’m breathing, my hair has grown long and I’ve gathered the marbles scattered between the cracks of the sidewalks. If I could change anything, it wouldn’t be my experiences. I would just go back and find myself in the darkness, brushing back the hair plastered to the seeping light glistening from my face. Use it to guide your way.

13.  Biting my fingernails until they bleed

14.  No longer searching for love in others

15. 

Life molds itself to time, infinitely flowing. It's hard to capture it all in one letter, but that's okay. Just flow along with it and drop a few marbles along the way. 

Love, More To Come