There Once Was a Time

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There was a time when I looked at you and saw nothing more  then another face in the crowd, I did not think of you and you did not think of me, when I lay in bed at night staring at the ceiling it was not your smile that I dreamed of and it was not your laugh that played through my head in a joyous loop. When my thoughts idled in class it was not you that came to my mind and when I wrote the lyrics of old love songs on my desk you were not who I hummed them to. When I sat in a puddle of bitter tears on my bathroom floor you were not who pierced my heart with your youthful ignorance and when I lay in bed at night you were not who haunted my thoughts leaving me with nothing more then the bitter sting of betrayal.

But there came a time when I noticed the way you smiled with your whole being, how you laughed with not only your voice but your heart as well, the way your words curled from your mouth like cigarette smoke floating into the air and clinging to everyone around you. You were intoxicating and I loved it. The way your dark eyes lit up when you spoke about the things you loved, the way you held your head high when people looked at you, the way your voice quivered just a little when you shared your opinion with the class, everything you did brought me to you and I could not resist you or your charms. 

There was a time when our love burned bright and brilliant like a fire, I thought of you at all hours, night and day, wherever I was. Your smile was more beautiful then any beam of sunlight and your laugh was the sweetest sound to ever grace my ears. I did not simply hum love songs I sang them, loudly and clearly for the whole world to hear. Every morning I awoke my heart bursting with joy and excitement at the prospect of seeing you and hearing every thought you produced with that wonderfully colorful mind of yours, little things you did like twisting one of your dark curls around your finger as you stared down at a blank white page trying to decide what you would write about made me absolutely ecstatic. You were unlike any other I had met before, you saw the world in color, you appreciated it for everything it is and was and you refused to let yourself be restrained by the chains of societies expectations and demands. Your stomach was not flat and your hair frizzed, you laughed loudly, you spoke your mind on anything and everything and you were not ashamed to do so, some ridiculed you for this. But I thought you were horribly beautiful, and you called to me with your wild eyes. You were a whole new color all by yourself.

But I soon learned fires have a horrible tendency to die, you didn't call me at 3 am to tell me about the tragic short story you just read, and I found I no longer could make you laugh or smile. You found yourself a dark haired boy with clear green eyes who would never care as much as I did and you knew it, but he was new, he was interesting, and he was colorful, and you could never resist a boy with green eyes evn if you tried. I gave up trying to talk to you and retreated within myself. I didn't sleep anymore. I would lay in my bed and do my best to keep my head empty of any and all thought, anything to keep you out of my mind. When I did sleep I didn't dream, I couldn't. Everything had left with you and would never come back no matter how much I willed it to. I didn't sing anymore and the sound of your voice haunted every waking moment. I would sit on my bathroom floor but the tears wouldn't come and I remained hollow, my heart wasn't just pierced this time. It was shattered into a million pieces, and on each piece the words that once clung to my skin etched themselves out like the slashes that now marked my wrists in a desperate attempt to feel anything.

Wounds left by your carelessness eventually healed into faded scars and I found a new girl, her hair was golden and her eyes were blue and full of ice, but on the inside her heart burned just as yours did. She saw the world in different shades of black and grey but in a way I found her morbidity beautiful, even though she lacked color she held a certain mystique that made her something refreshing and interesting. You would have liked her very much. Fires take a long time to completely burn out and even now I occasionally feel a spark much like the one that drove me to you in the first place. Your words are still etched on my heart and even on my very bones, but I have learned to ignore them and move past them, for they are fickle and not to be trusted no matter how intoxicating they may be.

We don't talk anymore, and I don't suppose we ever will again. I will miss you and love you until my very last breath leaves me and my body finds its way to the grave. Perhaps even then my wandering soul shall catch one last glimpse of the beautiful color you once were and always have been and restore to me the pieces you never returned.

Until then I can only boast I once loved the girl with wild eyes.

 

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