they told you to count

One day

One day you will rise again

Then the two years of pain will be worth it

Maybe then you won’t try to pull three all nighters

Maybe then you won’t skip four of your assignments because you have no motivation

But you know that five o’clock will come again 

And all the six unread text messages will leer at you

The seven empty containers of take-out will beg to be thrown away

And the eight pillows you’ve made to look and feel like a person laying beside you will keep its back turned

The nine minutes you spent screaming at yourself will echo in the back of your head

The ten different therapy appointments will feel like a pounding pain

Eleven miss calls from your mom will seem stupid to have ignored

And the twelve months spent in the hospital by her side will seem like a welcome.

Your thirteenth birthday party wasn’t the same without her there

The fourteen boyfriends’ hearts you bulldozed while trying to protect yourself

Will beat fifteen times as loud as the screams

Maybe then your sixteen job applications will find there way to the mail

Maybe then you will not give up at seventeen years old

And eighteen will be a breeze

Then the past nineteen reasons will seem like a distance dream

Maybe then you can count to twenty and be able to breathe