Thinking

It's so cold outside And I'm so tired. My mind is being wired Shut by my memories. Just cry already, I'll scream. Just try to be free. Just remember Your dreams. It was in September That I didn't remember, That I forgot who I was-- I was there On the asphalt And NO. No. Don't say it wasn't my fault. I'm at fault. It was me. And it was in October that They let me go. Then in December This, I clearly remember: I went back. And in January I drove head first Into traffic. I almost killed a family. It was almost a tragedy But It wasnt. And it was in February that I was fine, But not really fine-- Because for me, being okay Isn't really being okay. Then in March I was back And in April I was back again. And in May I was done. I surrendered. I give up! I could hear my soul Like the sound The sound of a rock Hitting rock bottom, And me, begging it all to stop. And I was in that place For around a month Thirty days of me screaming Fighting Praying for God Himself to stretch His mighty hand down And take me to His throne Maybe then I wouldn't be alone. It was in June that I came back. And in August, I jumped in the bathtub. Marked by blood and scattered pills My mother had to clean up the mess. What she must've been thinking, I can't guess. But I was okay. Okay in the sense that I Haven't ever really been okay. And in October I celebrated Two full months of being out. And in November, it was three... I never made it to four. Now, its December And I can't seem to remember If I'm dreaming or if I'm awake. I hope I will be able to distinguish, for my own sake. And it's every day that I go back to that place No, not the hospital Because the hospital is safe, But rather, I go back to the state of distress That place in my mind That I can't seem to escape, That place where my heart is shivering Because it's cold, and I'm tired.