Thinking about you

I don't know where to start, I just feel like I'm just falling apart. I think about you here and there. Seems like you are always in my thoughts and I ain't even aware. All I can say I'm really sorry. I hardly trusted anyone but me and Marley. It became a disaster hobby that I couldn't see. My depression got to the point till I couldn't breathe. Despite I had an amazing girl and a great life. Something didn't make it feel right. Weed was my escape from my struggle. Constantly convincing myself,"that no one will ever love you." I was so used to being by myself and I called that my bubble. My thoughts just caused trouble and all I did was just run. I felt like I could never go trust anyone. My solution to almost every problem was pulling that gun.  I'm sorry I took you for granted. I understand what you had to do. I just hate that bitch who seems to be controlling you. I don't know what to do, for you to get the message. You can have any guy in the world but yet you sit here and treasure this trashman. That's all I've asked, was to get you a better guy. I may not know what you see in him but thru my eyes. You are one amazing chick who can have any guy in the world. I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm just sick. Hate is what consistently sticks to your mind, when you hear my name. Believe me it's been 2 years since our departure and I'm still ashamed. I'm so sorry for always tryna talk to you. I was the scissors always tryna side by 2. Looking from all  point of views but it was really you that was that glue. Who stuck by my side, down to ride, and I let you down so I'm hurting inside. I guess this is the consequences of hate when I told that lie. I can't even close my eyes, I see your face and I remembered told you I loved you. I pray everyday that god's watching over you. Knowing your self worth and not taking orders from other dudes. Sorry for trying to be a friend to someone that I mistreated. I don't want to be apart of the problem cuz I know me and you don't need it. Maybe this won't ever get to you but I guess this what lies beneath this. This is just apart of the closeure I needed. Writing this from a far, looking at stars wondering if you are happy or falling apart. I'm sorry life ain't fair, I became your everyday nightmare. You make it seem like I ain't care. I'm just tryna make it right here. Shine some light and be your brightness. I ain't got nothing to hide but offer some kindness. I know you're doubting me saying I'm never like this. I'm not here trying to ruin your life. I see you got more potential and you don't gotta believe me. I've learned a lot of life lessons that you tried to teach me. I apologize for being a retard and I see why you deceive me. I was so selfish and greedy and I see why you'd leave me. I was a piece of shit that just begging and pleading. I can name many more reasons and after our break up all I felt was my heart bleeding. But I guess I wasn't the first to feel it. Disappointment became a regular feeling. Sorry was a whole different meaning. Actions never fell into place, my soul with forever be ashamed. I can never express what's going thru my brain. If I told you everything, you'd probably cry and thought I was insane. But I really don't blame you, I never truly expressed myself. For that this consistent feeling is like I'm always in hell. Would it help if i stop myself from breathing? To kill my inner demons that made you feel this? We leave certain parts in our lives for a reason. I was the fool that had a queen but didn't see it. Now you looking for another guy to renew the meaning.

Did I get everything right that went wrong between us?