Thinner

I do feel myself growing thinner.

My own insides have eaten away the muscle

I've worked so hard to build

and continued their way to the fatty cells

of the waist and arms

and sooner

if they continue on their dietary path

they'll work their way to the bone

and who knows if they'll stop.

I lay on my side and I know I'm thinner

I feel ribs

I don't bother counting them

I feel my stomach rumble and roar

starved and shrinking

is what my mother would call it

but I know I eat

blueberries and peanut butter and eggs with the yellow yolk running

but I get thinner

my weight is dropping

my legs are smaller

my waist is trimmer

when my boyfriend holds me he says

there's space missing

and he has to wrap his arms tighter

but he never said he didn't like it

no one has

except maybe my mother.

My weight is dropping and I missed my last period

but I never really cared for blood anyway

sometimes I get scared

of the feel of my bone

or of the soft shallow pit of my gut

of the weakness and nausea and twirling and light headed spinningness 

but when you really think about it

isn't it all fine and good not to eat

to be thinner but not thin at all.

I'm still large but I am getting thinner

my weight has dropped

my waist is trimmer

I feel like I eat but if an all seeing eye were to stop and look back

I'm afraid he'd notice that I really don't eat at all.