Thinner

When you were 5 you learned how to play games, the better the score, the better the reward. When you turned 14 you joined track, you learned that getting a lower score gave you a better reward, this changed everything. When you were 16 you stepped on the scale watching the number climb you thought back to track, maybe if the score was lower I could get a better reward. So you traded your crop tops and short shorts for workout gear, you swapped your favorite foods for salads so foreign to your taste buds. As the number began to drop you looked through a magazine, you wish you could be as skinny as her, but she is merely a piece of paper in a childish magazine, you could never beat her. You look in the mirror and see the sag of your skin and dark circles, you don’t see your progress instead, you see how much more you can get it down. You trade your tank tops and shorts for sweatshirts and baggy pants, if you can cover your skin maybe you can pretend it isn’t there. You are now 17 you step on the scale watching, waiting for it to drop more, but as long as your bones are there it will not drop more. Maybe if you stop eating you can finally have a body you love, a body that loves you back. You are still 17 you have been 17 for a long time now, you are finally skinny, you finally don’t hate what you see, but that’s because a rock can’t see, a rock can’t think, or feel, or love. Rocks can’t be insecure about their weight. Isn’t that what you wanted? To be skinny, and loved. But a rock will never be loved you are just a memory now and you wish you could be bigger for once and take up more space, in peoples minds.