Thirteen Thoughts on the Concept of Home (Because I Couldn't Stop at Ten)

2. My mom yells at me if I refer to my apartment as "home" because she thinks my home should forever be her house. I don't really argue with her when she says this. 

3. My mother cries every time the song "I'll be home for Christmas" comes on the radio because she remembers one year she didn't have a place to go for Christmas and she spent it by herself. My sister tells her that she has a home now and shouldn't cry when she hears it anymore, but she does anyways.

4. Whenever I walk into my apartment I always shout "hello!" even when I know Colleen won't be there. It's both a habit and my way of reacquainting myself with the place. 

5. My ex-boyfriend used to refer to my apartment as "home". We used to find home in each other. Some of these feelings haven't completely dissipated yet. The apartment felt strange without him at first but it is cleaner and smells a little better now. 

6. When I was nine my mother got really into painting. She painted "GOD Bless Our Home" in our kitchen. Whenever I try to debate religion with my parents she stops me and says she doesn't think we should have this conversation due to the presence of the painting. I resent the painting sometimes for that reason. 

7. My sister and her boyfriend's song for each other is "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. I used to think this was lame but I like him much more now. I think he deserves to be her home. 

8. I tend to leave my things scattered around wherever I am. My mother has always taken my stuff and put it in a pile in front of my bedroom door. Colleen has started doing the same thing in our apartment without knowing my mother did it too. I'm in need of being taken care of wherever I live and I'm thankful for those who realize this. 

9. I've realized that talking about home usually involves talking about my mother. We have a magnet on our fridge that says "home is wherever mom is" and I mostly find that to be true even though it is not impossible for me to feel at home without her. 

10. My father goes on hunting trips sometimes when I'm home. I think home feels less like home when he does. My dogs seem to agree with this statement. 

11. One time when I was eleven my friend Ashley had a sleepover birthday party. Before bed, her father told us he was making eggs for breakfast in the morning. I didn't like eggs at the time but felt uncomfortable saying this so when everyone fell asleep I called my mother and asked her to pick me up and take me home. I told her it was because I was homesick. 

12. The idea of getting dementia terrifies me more than the idea of being homeless. I'd rather not have a place to call my home than forget all the places and people in which I once found myself at home. Memories are what make a home a home, is what I've decided. Home is not a place but a feeling. I don't know what I believe in terms of heaven and the afterlife, but when I die I hope I feel at home. 

13. When I'm driving past downtown I always see a BP billboard that says "Cleveland is home." For me this is half true and I'm okay with that.