Thoughts #1

It's 4:21 AM, I lay here trying to sleep but have no luck. I got done watching a movie a little while ago, had me thinking about stuff in my mind. I look back at my years in high school mostly at night when I try to sleep. It all just pours in my mind. Something I think I learned tonight. I replay these stories of someone I loved in my mind over and over again. Wishing I could travel back in time to make it different. But I realize now that there is no point to it. I am searching for the love of my life. That's one of 3 things I wish to accomplish before I die. I want a best friend. I want someone who I can turn to when I need support. I want someone I can have a family with. There is someone out there for me. I just need to find her. But here's the thing. Like I said I replay my past wishing I can change it. But even if I could go back, would it really change the end result? My relationship failed 3 times in total. Did I learn the first time? No. Second? No. Third? Still no. Reason for it, is because I have a piece of me that would yet again try that relationship another time. It wasn't the situation itself that taught me it. But I guess it may be true, everything happens for a reason. I don't know what I gained from all my struggles for my future yet. But the thought on my mind now and will always be there is I'm actively searching for the one I will treat right. The one that I fall ultimately in love with. Even if I'm not really actively searching. If you can understand what I'm saying. I want to be able to feel a connection when i stare into her eyes. I want true love, but the true problem is something I hid from even myself. Mentally, I struggle. All the time. This is the first time in being honest with myself. I'm happy yet, I feel half here. I want to be the one who supports others, I want to be the one who makes you laugh when you need it. I want to be that guy you look at and think, he's an idiot, but he is a great person. I fail at this everyday. I go too far with joking around. I make stupid comments. I make poor decisions. I know who I want to be, yet I feel like a failure everyday. This isn't a pity party. This is me being honest with myself. These thoughts cross my mind everyday yet I disregard them and continue with what I do the next day. Im not sure where to go from here. But I think I'll look to my friends for this. Every time I didn't listen to them, I failed and I was hurt many times. So I hope to change that.