thoughts

Today's the day when things change. Feelings grow or they may fade. Tomorrow will be different, yesterday is the past. Hoping for something that you know will not last. It's bad for your health, it's bad for your soul. But without it, you will not be whole. Death is knocking on the front door. Life finds you lying on the floor. Alive, breathing. Breathe. Breathe. It's getting harder to breathe, it's getting harder to stay. With life always throwing bullshit my way. God's way or the highway take your best shot. Just another teenager chilling on the block. Closest to death I've been is letting my wrists bleed. Started it once and it planted a seed. A habit, an addiction, a sort of convection. Affliction, of a good and a bad. This is not the kind of darkness wear you're sad. It's deeper, it's darker. It's a black hole of no hope. It's never ending pain and never ending anger. It's like you are locked in an secluded chamber. Outside is happiness taunting at the gate. You try to jump out of the window but it's too late. It's torture, it's hell. It's like living in a closed off cell. It's pain, it's frustration. It's constant complication. It's concealment, it's acting. It's lying, it's desperation. It's always feeling like you're failing. Some days you are okay, but most of the time you are insane. It's cold, it's dark. It freezes your heart. No emotions, no joy. Going through the day like you're a windup toy. You want to pretend you are okay. You want to tell someone about your pain but then chickening out because you are afraid. The only person you want is miles and miles away. The only person that can help you is trapped in your head. Being up at 4am really makes you think. The fact that you can be dead before you again ever blink. Smiling on the outside, empty within. Like putting all your problems and emotions in a bin. Why are you looking at me? Disappointment is all my mirror sees. My closet sees my imperfection. You don’t see any of that? I don’t have a perfect body, I'm too short for you to see. But something keeps you from leaving me. The rest have left, the pain has set. I guess I won my bet against death. Because I'm still living, still breathing. Breathe, breathe, one day you'll see past me..