Three faces

looking around the 

cafeteria of my school 

i see three faces

 that give me so much

 anxiety 

that i cant eat the lunch i just bought.

 my friends ask

 why I'm not eating, i tell them

 they do a sad face

 to show compassion

 then go back to their conversations

 i don't expect more from them

 how could i? 

they don't know

 the constant pain

 i am in. 

people ask me

 why i make this

 mistake with men 

again and again 

and i say what else is there to make?

 this is all i know.

 and this hurts me

 because i know

 i will keep trusting them

 and letting them in

 and that next year 

it wont be three faces

 it will be seven.

 Because of this

 i know my future 

will be filled with

 touches i decline 

and kisses i walk away from

 remembering

 how these boys treated me.

 how they wrapped me

 in kind words 

to shelter me 

from the cold 

then how 

they ripped out 

every piece of dignity

 i had left

 straight out from my soul.

these boys

 want things

 and we give it to them,

 because we want their approval, 

we want their attention, love 

and their eyes only on us. 

but they only see us as an obstacle, 

something conquerable,

 this mindset says i see you,

 i like what i see, i want to fuck you 

and then i will flee.

 you know whats probably gonna happen 

but you give him a chance 

to prove you wrong and 

they never, prove. you. wrong.

 you will forever 

have an absence 

in your mind 

where his presence

 used to be and 

you will feel gutted with regret

 but hide it behind bong rips

 and cigarette drags 

and your parents

 just don't understand, 

they think they went wrong raising you

 but really you did this

 to yourself.

my doctor tells me 

i have PTSD, i say what from?

 i haven't had anything

 traumatic happen to me 

he says to think about it and i might recall.

But all i can think about 

are those three faces

 that i wish i could forget about forever.

 The panic they cause 

is like a alarm clock inside me

 that goes off every time i see one of them,

 and what flows through my veins

 doesn't feel like blood anymore

 its much thicker.

I want to be more, than what I've done.

But those three faces, will never let me.