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Time

by Aman-Duh

Spinning and Spinning, Round and round, Moving with the beat. And like a river keeps on flowing, We keep carving the way. A box or two step It doesn't matter. You spin me like a princess, And the kitchen is center stage. A song entwined; a personal song. Through past and future, moving with time. The world is small, not looking past today, The time is now. No time to worry, For the beat is life, And life goes on. There is no do-over. We grow old, the dancing slows, And the young are now the teachers. Feet on mine, I spin around, listening to my song, I show him the world, A world unknown. Teaching him the beat of life. The beat of time, A universal language.
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Comments (2)

david_mcl
<p>Hi Amand-uh, I think that writing a poem about Time is such a big subject - what makes it tricky, is that we&#39;ve read a lot about that subject, from the Bible on. I think your poem works best when it&#39;s most specific. For example, I like what you did with that very familiar metaphor about time as a river - &quot;carving the way&quot; is good. Similarly, in our culture time as a dance has been done so much, but&nbsp;&quot;a box or two step / It doesn&#39;t matter&quot; is great: it&#39;s concrete, and detailed. Why doesn&#39;t it matter? Answer: &quot;You spin me like a princess / the kitchen is center stage&quot;.</p><p>This is great - the everyday kitchen is transformed by the dance, the child feels like a &quot;princess&quot;. We know exactly what&#39;s happening, and we connect with it.</p><p>I think you lose us a little bit in stanzas 3 and 4. &quot;The world is small... The time is now&quot; is the core of these stanzas.</p><p>I think the poem works best where it&#39;s specific. If you&#39;d be interested in revising, I&#39;d advise bringing out the story that&#39;s embedded in it, that image of a child dancing with an older person, &quot;Feet on mine, / I spin around&quot;. At the moment, there&#39;s still some questions the reader&#39;s asking: is this a mother or father and son / daughter?</p><p>My advice would be to concentrate on the specifics, avoid the general. Bring out the images that are emerging, but not fully out yet, in this piece. Call it Time if you like, but I&#39;d suggest not going into sweeping truths about upper case &quot;TIME&quot;. Show us the dance, maybe show us some growth between periods of life in the child / parent&#39;s life, if that&#39;s what you&#39;re after in the poem. I think we&#39;ll get it &nbsp;if you show it to us.</p><p>Finally, I enjoyed the way the dance at the beginning is the speaker as a child, and at the end, it would seem that it&#39;s the speaker as a parent with their child. Do I have it right? If that&#39;s where you&#39;re going, I&#39;d suggest bringing it out just a more a little bit more clearly. Perhaps cutting back on some of the commenting about Time would allow us to see &quot;Time&quot; embodied in the dance. If you trust your readers a bit more, you won&#39;t need to say &quot;see, this is what I mean,&quot; and they&#39;ll see your theme (Time) in the dance of parent and child, and in the dance of the child-as-adult become parent.</p><p>I hope that&#39;s helpful. It&#39;s a good poem, I&#39;d be interested in seeing it after some revision. All the best, David.</p>
Aman-Duh
I posted a similar version of this poem on another website, I don't remember the website, because we had to for school...

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