Depression isn't linear

It doesn't follow a pattern or trend

That's easy to see and understand

It hits in places that leave bruises

Under clothes and coverings

That can't be seen without intimacy.

 

People who haven't experienced it

Will never know what I mean when I say

That suicidal thoughts aren't about craving darkness

Or about wanting to be rid of the world

They're about wanting the light desperately

And wanting the world to be rid of the darkness

That is yourself.

 

People who haven't experienced it

Will never know what I mean when I say

That depression is to be tired,

To wake up to closed curtains

Blackouts hidden behind

And to feel tears welling in your eyes

Before you've even realised you're awake.

 

To walk around with the weight of a black cloud

Sitting heavy on your shoulders 

Black and coagulated like tar

Darker than the bags under your eyes 

That people so love to point out.

 

To be trying your hardest

And not be able to function as you want

And not enjoy things you should

And not get the grades

Or the girls and boys

And to question what you could possibly

Be contributing to the world anymore.

 

It's the punch to the gut

When you're told you're not trying

A statement so often used

By people who will never be able 

To swim deeper into your mind

Than the rock pools.

 

But these people used to

Touch the ocean floor

And cradle and study the shells

That lay as part of you on the sand

That now seems to be covered in spilled oil.

 

Depression is to be tired

To be tired of being told what you are

Tired of fighting yourself

Tired of waking to a world that doesn't want you

Tired of the sun and the moon and the stars

And your toxic mind that won't rest 

Unless your bloodstream is 40% ethanol

Or it's 4pm on a Tuesday and you've collapsed

With exhaustion from the 0 calories in your system

Because who wants to eat

When they're tired?

 

Who wants to walk 

When they're tired?

 

Who wants to talk 

To socialise

To love

When they're tired?

 

Who wants to stay awake 

When they're tired?

 

I was tired.