Today

I am afraid 

Afraid not of death but life itself 

Living in a world with no understanding 

Engaging a crowd and not myself

Being able to light a room with my smile 

But internalizing my darkness

Too weak to speak but you’ll hear me down the street

Singing high praises as the demons haunt my spirit 

Feelings of doubt as the world holds their expectations of me 

Trying to live up to who they want me to be

Blind to a reality that is apparent to everyone but me 

Lacking the motivation to move on 

To live my own life

I am dependent on the love of others 

When ー I can’t seem to love myself

Picture perfect lifestyle they think I’m living 

What do you do when the image is split 

When all you have are the pieces that just don’t seem to fit 

I’ll never be a whole to a half I never knew

Didn’t allow myself the time to grow and know her

Being here and seemingly nowhere all at once 

Missing the link to close that chapter

Reading too deep into things

An over-analyzer if you must 

Void- neutral territory in my eyes 

If you don’t talk about it you it won’t bother you 

The lies you tell yourself to seem okay 

This silence isn’t golden 

It is the luminescent crimson blood that corrupts your very being 

Not being able to take true form because of a fear 

Fear of rejection from those you hold close 

Far too gone to realize it’s yourself that is lost 

Travelling these rocky waters hoping to find refugee in another 

How do you expect to be called a safe haven when you haven’t looked into yourself 

To find you are the danger 

You can’t run from it 

Face it 

Listen to the words that have been spoken by the ones before you 

Acceptance 

Accepting that what has happened thus far is just that; something that has happened

It doesn’t have to continue, if you don’t allow it to

Wake up and stop trying to create happiness in the nightmare you’re living 

Live in your truth and the waking of the person you were born to be 

Curate the path you want to take 

Don’t assume these paved sidewalks call your name 

Don’t walk in line with others assuming a different outcome 

Get out of the mindstate that you won’t make it because that’s what they said 

They don’t know your struggle 

They don’t know your pain 

Understanding and experiencing are not the same

Stop limiting yourself to what you know and expound on the things left unsaid 

To the ones that have been forgiven you have not be forgotten 

Allowing you to rain on my parade was all my fault, you are not to blame 

I hold these stories in my heart and wear them on my sleeve for others to read 

Can’t you see

I am the exception, the one in a million 

Created to rise above it all but destined to a life of a well known Chameleon

Though the seasons change I remain ever present 

In too deep 

I’ve created a world of fabrication and imagination 

Today a take a stand and face reality 

To find who I was deemed to be and not all you see in me

Today I will live and rightfully so I experience the joys of life again 

Today ー I breathe.