today

I hate myself so bad . So much so that it has caused me to think of doing that again. I know I shouldn't but, I feel so lost. It is like there is someone punching in the stomach wanting me to feel the pain. Waiting for me to succumb to it. While I try to stand on my two feet. I am slowly being dragged to the ground by the weights of other people's influences. It puts the ideas of self harm to or just death into my head. Saying it doesn't see my purpose so go ahead. And, while try to make a counterclaim I don't see any documents in my favor and I start sinking. Slowly , my feet are being swollen by the ground and my struggling only makes it worse. In my head It says lets surrender and I stop moving. My face and eyes go blank I stop struggling with the fate I believe I deserve. Would thou god protect a impure virgin?Or let her die due the struggle with her sin?