Today I Cried

Today I Cried by Esther “esty” Pagan 2/24/13 Today I cried. My tears were beige. They felt open. Like a streamed waterfall Only falling upward Into my heart Piercing like bullets Never letting go Cancer blankness tore me apart Didn’t even know Stage 0 Thank you God For blessing me so No chemo, no radiation Into the sky My numbness hid Pretending that it was not me In the beigeness of it all I found myself Once again Starting over Blank breasts Lost my nurture limbs Inside My woman, my me Never feel the same Nippleless, don’t know how I look Don’t wanna see What this has done to me Don’t know where to put my tears sometimes Wish I could hide them in my pocket But I can’t They will just overflow and drown me In the beigeness of it all I pretend to laugh But I cry My tears turn into howls It’s just the pretending in me The laughter died My beautiful broken girl toy Will never be desired the same In the beigeness of it all Today I cried.