Today: Things Still Aren't Any Different

The thoughts of running myself into a car, or wrapping myself around a tree

is automatically followed by that of apathy

and then sorrow for even thinking of putting that kind of weight on my parents

but what if the day comes where i can think about that, and 

none of those thoughts follow

that i am not angry enough at myself for even considering bringing any one else that much pain

It used to be just at nights that I felt like stepping in front of a car;

But now its mornings too.

Its afternoons when I have to be at work that I sit on my floor and wish 

I 

Was

Dead

That I no longer had to use my aching bones to check out someone elses grocerys that

could give two shits about who I was. 

I no longer wish to be known as 

The Girl that had the pretty face

The Girl that had the good grades; not good enough to get anywhere, but good enough to not have 

to be worried about.

The Girl whose known for dating assholes because they seem to love her only a little more

than she 

loves  

herself. 

The Girl that has a head on her shoulders and maturity level of an eighty year old woman.

The thoughts of wrapping myself around a tree happen never when I'm happy, no

only when I am by myself

and only when I can't stand who I am anymore

and when I remember how ever so lonely I am, 

and the fact that noone, especially not even me, 

can stand who I really am

without wanting to wrap themselves around a tree too.