Togetherness

Location

71119
United States
32° 29' 16.314" N, 93° 54' 59.2524" W

A Man and a Woman are like Peanut butter and Jelly
The Man, Peanut butter.
He starts off hard but when he gets whipped he becomes smooth and hard to swallow.
The Woman, Jelly.
Sweet, Addictive, and you always want more than you need
Love is the bread the blankets them together.
Creating a delicious sand which called life! :)

Comments

Ghostblade318

I'm in a cage,
I'm a slave to this page,
In my rage I dig inside
to find a rhyme to squeeze in between the naked wide-ruled lines.

And while that spectrum drowns my eyes
I sink skin deep like ink beneath the sheet
To play hide and seek
With the line I plan to bring to the peak

But all I see is a reflection of me
Scared in words,
And while i observe this marvelous feet
The spectrum lifts the veil and i see...

Lead or ink,
Which one should i keep in-case I make a mistake,
Should i scrape and rape the paper,
Or hollow it out with my eraser?
Sounds like I took a shot of Writer's Block with no chaser.

Eunoia

Ooo, very clever concept, very sweet and romantic. :) However, where's the story? You simply pool in the idea but it falls apart at this question: What's the point?

"Creating a delicious sand which called life!"- first of all the grammar is incorrect *sandwich plus it doesn't go right. I think you need more description, describe life.

Sweet, Addictive ( I like this but explain how after) you always want more than you need (turn though's You' into She's.

Personally I think the characterization is quite biased, thus can be proven untrue to the listener/reader.

However you got a interesting concept, I love metaphors because they work well with explaining big. concepts in a super secret and clever way. I think you might want to rewrite this, really telling and showing your story. & keep up with your metaphors!

He starts off hard but when he gets whipped he becomes smooth (This part is strong but the words that follow it feels off. I want you to take the smooth adjective (fantastic because it is full with POWER!) maybe match it with a sound or explain what is he as smooth as? Butter.

Also, why do you post a whole another poem on the same page?

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