Ooo, very clever concept, very sweet and romantic. :) However, where's the story? You simply pool in the idea but it falls apart at this question: What's the point?

"Creating a delicious sand which called life!"- first of all the grammar is incorrect *sandwich plus it doesn't go right. I think you need more description, describe life.

Sweet, Addictive ( I like this but explain how after) you always want more than you need (turn though's You' into She's.

Personally I think the characterization is quite biased, thus can be proven untrue to the listener/reader.

However you got a interesting concept, I love metaphors because they work well with explaining big. concepts in a super secret and clever way. I think you might want to rewrite this, really telling and showing your story. & keep up with your metaphors!

He starts off hard but when he gets whipped he becomes smooth (This part is strong but the words that follow it feels off. I want you to take the smooth adjective (fantastic because it is full with POWER!) maybe match it with a sound or explain what is he as smooth as? Butter.

Also, why do you post a whole another poem on the same page?