Togetherness

Ooo, very clever concept, very sweet and romantic. :) However, where's the story? You simply pool in the idea but it falls apart at this question: What's the point? "Creating a delicious sand which called life!"- first of all the grammar is incorrect *sandwich plus it doesn't go right. I think you need more description, describe life. Sweet, Addictive ( I like this but explain how after) you always want more than you need (turn though's You' into She's. Personally I think the characterization is quite biased, thus can be proven untrue to the listener/reader. However you got a interesting concept, I love metaphors because they work well with explaining big. concepts in a super secret and clever way. I think you might want to rewrite this, really telling and showing your story. & keep up with your metaphors! He starts off hard but when he gets whipped he becomes smooth (This part is strong but the words that follow it feels off. I want you to take the smooth adjective (fantastic because it is full with POWER!) maybe match it with a sound or explain what is he as smooth as? Butter. Also, why do you post a whole another poem on the same page?

I'm in a cage, I'm a slave to this page, In my rage I dig inside to find a rhyme to squeeze in between the naked wide-ruled lines. And while that spectrum drowns my eyes I sink skin deep like ink beneath the sheet To play hide and seek With the line I plan to bring to the peak But all I see is a reflection of me Scared in words, And while i observe this marvelous feet The spectrum lifts the veil and i see... Lead or ink, Which one should i keep in-case I make a mistake, Should i scrape and rape the paper, Or hollow it out with my eraser? Sounds like I took a shot of Writer's Block with no chaser.