Too Late for Forgiveness

Last things first: I would like to apologize. Because I have stood in silence as people have died. I’m sorry. Sorry for claiming to be human while my actions have lacked humanity and my words remain absent of any authenticity. Forgive me. I have taken too long to realize that my actions matter just as much as my intentions. I never meant to elude the truth in my own head by switching perspectives. “Only God can judge me”, is what I had once said, so while you scrutinize over my life, leave me undressed in eternal sleep in my 6 foot high bed. I knew the music blasting away the walls of my eardrums would have a reckless effect. The cigarette I lit up right before the I-5 was enough to kill my concentration, but my thoughts had lied. While you watch the tears overcome my pillow case, sparks fly across my face because I fell in love with God on our very first date. I wasn’t ready to change my ways. My mother told me it would never be too late. She whispered my name as I stumbled through the door shaking; scared to smell marijuana or worse. It was time to worship, but as I asked who I should pray to the only answer that came to mind was blank. I’ve struggled to eat for years this religious doctrine and if I could count my blessings on my right hand I would at least have a reason to say, “Thanks”. But now I’m lost; in this King Cobra I have found the strength to live. As I inhale my connect’s latest strand, the only thing inside my stomach that’s on demand is food. Ramen noodles for the common loser whose intellect is above average. “I qualify for charity so I can’t give it to you, Sir.” As the freest man I had ever laid eyes upon approached, I looked away from his internal joy— his satisfaction of weightless travelling. Something about his smile spoke to my bones teaching me metaphorical lessons in rhythmic tones. Without a beat I heard my heart thumping like the drums of war. This night terror I’ve seen for years and it grows in strength with each opened door. A sudden jump and I left the crevices of my dry pillow to the buzzing sounds of bees and chimes. My first conscious thought was asking God for more time…