Too white for black

Many people face forms of racial injustice in life. Whether it’s a misunderstanding or a form of straight out bigotry, too many have experienced it in some way or another.

Unfortunately, these types of prejudice situations aren’t uncommon for me. Growing up black while being told I acted too “white” has been a constant occurrence for me. Not acting “black” enough is not only a bad stereotype, but a judgement I experience often.

Moving from northeast to southeast U.S has proved itself with major cultural changes.

On the first day of school a girl across my table spits “oh my God, you sound so white.”

There it was. My equivalent to nails on a chalkboard. At the time, I didn’t know what she had meant. I sat there, sweaty palms in all unable to utter a response. I felt inadequate, as if in some way I was less then or that by her judgement was inexplicably true.

Did I truly act white?

Of course, I awkwardly laughed it off like most would.

But it did stick with me because I became aware that there was a way I was excepted to act. Unfortunately, this situation has followed me past this moment. The correlation of how people expect me to act usually never lines up with how I do. 

“You talk so well, I didn’t expect that coming from you.”

That statement may have felt like a compliment if it had not come from my English teacher in response to hearing me speak for the first time.

I remember the cold silence that had entered the room after she had said it. It felt like it dragged on forever and everyone one else in the class was making the same revelation that she had discovered as well.

I thought it was because I was usually timid during class and rarely spoke or maybe I had answered completely incorrectly. Nevertheless, she smiled unnaturally and continued as nothing had happened. Some might not even bat an eye at the statement. But I’ve heard so many variations of it that I had learned what it meant.

That I spoke well for a black girl. 

My struggles were more mental than physical.

I wondered how to act blacker and what that even meant. I attempted to fit in more, changes in my attitude, speech, music taste and all.

Trying to achieve this unreal concept, that I did not even know existed.

Adapting myself into what ‘black” was. I felt a part of my actual personality becoming detached. Even though “Where are you from? because your definitely not from here.” Or ‘You act so white” comments were gone.

I was putting on a façade, and ultimately losing my identity.

Finally, I became fed up with it.

Enough with the mind games.

 I stopped caring so much about how I was expected to act, something easier said than done. Instead of changing the way I carried myself, I showed others by the way I acted that stereotypes don’t always apply.

Prove that not all black people are ghetto.

Not all black people are illiterate and violent.

Realizing that instead of hiding behind a veil, I should be moving myself beyond the mentality of how black I should be acting.

The black stereotype may have caused hindrances, but it also made me more of myself.

Pushing me to figure out how to deal with prejudices, facing them head on.

Even though racial bias remains a prevalent part of society today, it is still confrontable.

Yes, I am black, but black is not a personality trait.

Black is not a way of speech or a type of mannerism.

Someone’s skin color should not be correlated to how they act.

Yeah I’m black, and what?